


Steve & Bucky

by emryjacksn6



Series: Steve & Bucky's Journeys [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Clintasha - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, M/M, S.H.I.E.L.D - Freeform, Stucky - Freeform, recovery!bucky, sarcastic Bucky Barnes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-05-29 23:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 38,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6399436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emryjacksn6/pseuds/emryjacksn6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Look through the lives of Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. Starting from the day Bucky surrendered himself to S.H.I.E.LD, to the days were Steve and Bucky could be the people they weren't allowed to be before World War 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. S.H.I.E.L.D Isn't Hydra

**Author's Note:**

> In order to keep all our Stucky feels in check, Civil War does not exist in this writing; however, Tony may be a bit on edge around Bucky at the beginning.  
> Each new upload is a different 'story' but they are all intertwined at some point or other.

_When a monster stopped behaving like a monster, did it stop being a monster? ~Grace Ling_

 

****James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes (1925-present day) || 107th Regiment/Howling Commandos || Under influence of HYDRA (1945-2015) || Master hand to hand combatant, and martial artist, Gifted advance scout, Use of military weapons and throwing knives, Expert assassin and spy, _Via cybernetic left arm:_  Superhuman strength, Enhanced reaction time, Energy projection, EMP discharger, Holographic projector || _Visible Injuries:_ Black eye, multiple cuts across face, damage to right hand. _Other Injuries:_ Emotional distress, cracked ribs (2)** **

Steve Rogers sat with Bucky's file open on the floor in front of him. The two pictures - one of Bucky during military boot camp in his uniform and another taken the day before - made him want to throw up. The contrasts were almost ironic; there was a smiling, clean faced  _boy_ in the first photograph. The edges of the picture were frayed and the wrinkles on the top show the 70 year gap between the taking of the picture and now. That was the Bucky Steve knew, the Bucky Steve went home to every night before the god forsaken war that ripped them apart. 

But the second picture showed Bucky differently. He was vulnerable, scared almost with long hair, bearded face and cuts on every visible part of his shirtless torso. It was supposed to be a police styled photo, stating the date and time of Bucky's surrender but it ended up just being the knife to twist in Steve's chest. Steve knew HYDRA wasn't pleasant to his Bucky, but he didn't want to know just how unpleasant they were. The majority of the injuries visible on Bucky were old, were from when he was still in HYDRA. Doctors managed to say they were from fists, weapons, poles and machinery. 

Not only did they turn Bucky into someone new, they  _tortured_ him. 

The other cuts and scraps were from living on the streets the past five weeks. His cracked ribs were from the S.H.I.E.L.D security slamming him too hard on the ground, even after he held his hands up and got onto his knees without order. The emotional distress... people could only guess what that was from. 

But Steve knew because Steve knew Bucky like the inside of his hand. Steve knew that the emotional distress was from HYDRA and from S.H.I.E.L.D and from running and from  _Steve_ because Steve's sitting opposite him and just staring. That's why Bucky's almost mirroring his position; against a wall, knees drawn up to his chest, arms resting on his knees and his breathing steady but whilst Steve is looking at Bucky, Bucky has his head down. Away from stares and away from prying eyes that are on the other side of that one-way glass. 

Neither have spoken in the past hour that Steve had sat down. He hadn't dressed in his uniform, didn't bother to when he got the call because his best friend has turned himself in and Steve loved him and wanted to be there and if it weren't for Sam he would have left in his sweats. Steve had dressed normally, in jeans and a sweatshirt, and when he first walked in the room Bucky didn't recognize him but that blonde hair and those blue eyes were still as charming as the 1900s. 

It  _was_ Bucky's Steve. Even bigger than since the train, broader in the shoulders and there was more muscle in the arms but it was his Steve. The one who had asthma attacks in the middle of the night; who lied repeatedly on his forms and who put his life in danger on the off change that Bucky wasn't already dead. 

Steve sighed, closing the damn file and sliding it away from him. Talking wasn't going to work, he knew that much. Bucky had always been stubborn and when they were kids he would sit exactly like that when he wasn't willing to speak. Steve racked his brain desperately trying to think of what used to work. 

At 8 he would lay down in front of Bucky and wiggled his head between Bucky's arms until he had his head craned onto Bucky's knees. It always got a smile out of him, a laugh and then they would be back to normal. At 16 Steve would stand up in front of Bucky, hand outstretched and within seconds Bucky was standing up and they were normal. At 20 he would sit next to Bucky, rest his head on his the bigger man's shoulder and stay until Bucky reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze. Then the war happened and they couldn't afford moments like that because they were in charge and then Bucky was 'dead' and then Steve crashed the plane into the ice and everything was over.

Steve stood up, rolled his shoulders as he walked towards Bucky and then sat down, his side pressed against Bucky's like those nights in that freezing cold apartment. HE felt the cool of the metal and the warmth of Bucky's actual skin when he lent his head against his shoulders, breathing in that scent that was Bucky. 

Five minutes passed, nothing.

Ten minutes passed, Bucky was no longer tensed.

Fifteen minutes passed and Bucky nestled his cheek against the top of Steve's head. 

Thirty minutes later and Bucky held out his hand, the metal one, before trying to tug it away when he saw the metal but Steve was quicker and held on, slipping his fingers between Bucky's and clutching on like his life depended on it.

"Bucky." Steve whispered watching as Bucky's metal hand held onto his too. "You don't need to worry any more. S.H.I.E.L.D isn't HYDRA."

There was nothing in response but Steve wasn't expecting anything. He sighed again, a content one this time, before pressing his forehead to Bucky's shoulder and closing his eyes. "It's okay Buck." 

An agent came in forty minutes later in which time neither super soldiers had moved. She apologised but said that Steve had to leave. Steve nodded, standing up but Bucky kept a hold of Steve's hand until Steve croached back down and whispered softly: "I'll be back tomorrow. You're safe here Buck. I promise."

He got a squeeze of the hand in return and then Steve watched as the same agent, a lot smaller than Bucky it was almost funny, cuffed Bucky's hands behind his back and escort him out the room. Sam Wilson (Falcon) was stood outside S.H.I.E.L.D, leaning against a flashy car Steve can only presume he 'burrowed' from Tony. 

"You alright?" Sam asked as Steve took a deep breath and looked over his shoulder. "We saw everything," Sam continued anyway. "you know, security cameras and all that. Stark got it up on the holotable and... do you mind?"

Steve shook his head. "He didn't say anything."

"But it kind of seemed like a private moment." Sam replied bringing out his phone and showing Steve a still of what was supposed to be Steve trying to get through to Bucky, trying to make him speak. It was of the moment Bucky reached for Steve's hand. "How'd you know that'd work?"

"I didn't." Steve shook his head, turning away from the phone. "We used to... he always sat like that back before the war. Since we were kids he was stubborn like that. That was how I managed to get him calmed down back then. I took a shot in the dark. That's all."

Sensing Steve was getting emotional Sam nodded towards the car. "We have around an hour before Jarvis rats us out to Stark. Wanna get burgers or something?"

***

The next three days were just like the first. Steve would wait for a while and then move into that familiar position. Each day it took a shorter amount of time for Bucky to reach towards Steve, and each day he held on just a little bit tighter. But Day 4 was different. Bucky was stood up, looking at the one-way glass with a blank look on his face and his metal arm hid behind his body. 

Steve, in sweatpants and an old baseball jersey stood at the door for a moment; unsure on how to deal with this new posture. Bucky looked at him this time, his eyes drifting to the jersey before the assassin snorted and his lips tugged up. "You fucking suck at baseball." His voice was thick and gruff but the playful tone was the same as when they were fifteen and trying to see how many home runs they could get in the park. 

"You had a crap throw." Steve retaliated, sitting down his beginning position under the one-way glass. Bucky looked like he was debating whether or not he should sit or move. He stood for a while before moving, still hiding his arm, until he was under the glass with Steve and he had  _his_ head on Steve's shoulder and  _his_ hand reaching for Steve first. After that they didn't speak again, just drank in the silence and Steve couldn't help but notice that Bucky looks like he hasn't ate since he got here even though Steve  _knows_ S.H.I.E.L.D has given him good food because Steve didn't back down and forced Coulson to make sure they did. 

After two hours Steve was told he had to go again but this time there were no handcuffs - Bucky wasn't going to attack - so Steve stopped them at the door and held onto Bucky's shoulders. "Eat, okay?" He got a nod and then they were separated. 

On Day 5 Steve had to go on a mission and he came back late, with just ten minutes left of the time S.H.I.E.L.D was allowed to give them. He was in his uniform and sweaty and in need of a shower and his face was cut but none of that mattered when he walked into the room and saw that Bucky looked ready to have a panic attack. He was in front of Bucky in a second, forcing him to look up at Steve and the  _relief_ on his face made his heart swell in his chest. Bucky's eyes zoomed into the cut on Steve's temple. In fact he rolled his eyes so hard that only the whites for visible. 

"It isn't from a back alley this time." Steve grumbled a minute later as Bucky cleaned the cut up. "I swear. It was actually in the government hall of a country."

"What, you been promoted or something?" Bucky's voice has slowly started to get less scratchy on his throat.

Steve chuckled and looked up at Bucky, grinning from ear to ear. "I keep 'em on the ropes Buck."

"Punk."

***

Day 6: Bucky ate a burger and two packets of chips in front of Steve and they were allowed to use a normal S.H.I.E.L.D break area instead of the grimy interrogation room. 

Day 7: They had the TV on and music was playing even though they weren't paying attention. Bucky talked more frequently but his answers were still blunt. He let Steve sit him on the counter of a bathroom and shave his face. 

Day 8: Bucky got a hair cut. He looked more like the Bucky from the first picture. 

Day 9: Bucky smiled and laughed at Steve's stories. 

Day 10: Bucky wakes up in the midst of a panic attack, drenched in sweat and crying out for Steve. He nearly attacked the smaller agent when she came in to calm him down and insisted the next day that he gets cuffed during Steve's visit. 

Day 11 & 12: Steve was on yet another mission and Bucky was put into medical after his panic attacks became more frequent. 

Day 13: Steve was furious that nobody told him about the transfer but Bucky just rolled his eyes, called him a jerk and then asked if it was alright if he went to sleep.

Day 14: S.H.I.E.L.D let Tony Stark into the room with Steve. He didn't speak, just watched Bucky and Steve play some old card game that never seemed to end with an obvious winner. He found it hard to believe that this man, this vulnerable-child-like man could be responsible for the death of his parents. Even though there was no evidence that Bucky did it, people insisted that he had killed Howard and Maria. He considered dropping charges but when he brought it up with Coulson he was told it was too late.

Day 15: Bucky was standing in front of the jury. It was a private court, only himself, his lawyer, Stark and his lawyer, the jury and Nick Fury. It was confusing and hard to follow; it seemed that Stark was contradicting everything his lawyer said and Bucky began to hate the future (technically the present) more than he already did. He wasn't allowed to speak (he wasn't going to), he wasn't allowed to move (where the fuck was he supposed to even go?) and most importantly, he wasn't supposed to give off anything that might suggest he did it. 

Day 16, 17 & 18: Steve, Sam and Natasha were allowed in the courtroom. Not much changed.

Day 19: It became a public court date. 

Day 20: This was it. The final decision. Bucky stood again, answering questions when directed at him and it took three hours. And just as they were about to hear whether Bucky was guilty or not - Steve was actually on the edge of his seat - Tony Stark stood up and stopped everything. "I'm dropping charges." Everyone fucking rioted. Stark's lawyer was shouting at him, Bucky's lawyer was just as confused and Steve looked ready to cry because this means Bucky can get on with recovering. It took another thirty minutes for Stark to roll his eyes so much and be just the right amount of sarcastic until the judge stated Bucky not guilty and slam his hammer down. Bucky croached down, head in his hands and a sob racking through his body because he's  _innocent_ and then Steve was jumping over that wooden fence thing and hurling himself past security and towards Bucky who just wrapped himself round the blonde punk and cried into his shoulder. He felt cold tears against his neck and then they were laughing because they were idiots after all. 

Day 45: Bucky left S.H.I.E.L.D and moved into Avengers Tower. It felt like some kind of glamour at first. But on day 50 he was relaxed and he was  _Bucky_ from before the war.

Steve was right on Day 1:  ** _S.H.I.E.L.D wasn't HYDRA_**


	2. Till The End Of The Line, Remember?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been two months since Bucky Barnes moved into the Avengers Tower. It's been a month since he moved into Steve's room instead of the one he was given...

_The secret of change is to focus all your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. ~Socrates._

 

When Bucky was named innocent at the trails, Tony was the second person (after Steve) to pull Bucky in for a hug. It was tense and awkward but it didn't matter because Tony was the one who had potentially saved Bucky's ass from a 17 year prison sentence on top of another 35 years for other potential victims of The Winter Soldier. Tony had also fought with Coulson and Nick Fury into letting Bucky move into the Tower after Bucky's recovery at S.H.I.E.L.D was over. Whatever he was up to, no one knew, but since Bucky had moved in Tony had been trying his hardest to forget about that fact that people still believed Bucky murdered his parents. 

Bucky was given his own room, a couple doors down from Steve's. It was like every other room in the Tower; large, modern and fully equipped with everything he might possibly need. Sleeping in an actual bed was still new to Bucky and he often ended up on the leather armchair by the window. Sometimes he would crawl in with Steve, other times Steve would slip into Bucky's bed and not leave until morning. After a month of that routine, Bucky just moved in with Steve and everyone went with it because if it meant the two weren't creeping around in the middle of the night then let them be. 

Bucky liked sleeping in with Steve. It was a comfort during the night when he woke up suddenly. But it was also dangerous for Steve. Sure, Bucky might have been let out of S.H.I.E.L.D after all the medical reports came back positive and the doctors thought he was stable enough to leave, but Bucky was still getting used to not being the Winter Soldier. Once he lapsed back into him and aimed a gun at Steve one morning. It took a while for Bucky to shake himself out of it; he had pointed a  _gun at Steve._

Other than getting used to ' _the other guy'_ Bucky was settling in quite well but if it was one thing Bucky hated about the 21st Century, was the alarm. He wouldn't mind if it were one on his phone - at least he can turn that one off every morning and roll back over. No, Jarvis was the alarm that woke him up at 6:30 on a Saturday morning and he refused to shut up until Steve walked back into their room and took over. Bucky buried his face into the pillow underneath him which, coincidently, happened to be Steve's as he breathed in the scent that was  _Steve._

"Buck, come on." Steve rubbed his hand up and down Bucky's back, the navy blue tee shirt Bucky stole from Steve tight on the brunette's back muscles. 

Bucky groaned, cracking one eye open and pouting at Steve. "Don't wanna Steve, M'sleeping." 

A lazy smile crept onto his face when Steve placed those soft lips just behind his hair and nestled his nose into Bucky's hair. Before the war there was something between Bucky and Steve although they didn't acknowledge it. Back them, being gay could get you arrested and they were still young and kept telling themselves it was because they were best friends so  _of course_ they would love each other. After the Howling Commandos was put together it was harder to stop the attraction either of them felt because  _dammit they looked good in uniform._

Bucky found out about gay marriage being legalized just days after moving in. He felt almost ashamed that his first thought was that he had a shot with Steve, but when he noticed the sideways glances Steve would give him, or the consistent excuses to touch him; he didn't feel ashamed. He felt giddy. Childlike that Steve might like him back. When they were alone kisses on shoulders or cheeks and affectionate touches were a normal thing, but Bucky had yet to build enough courage to actually kiss Steve, let alone tell him how he felt. Instead, he just reveled in the gentle touches and left it at that. 

Steve was breathing against his skin, giving him goosebumps and when he wrapped his arms round Bucky's waist, pressing his chest to Bucky's back; Bucky wanted to turn round and kiss the life out of him but at the same time lie down for the rest of his life and just appreciate the way Steve was holding him. 

Bucky turned his head slightly, reaching behind his back to cradle the back of Steve's neck in his human hand. "Steve." Bucky sighed tiredly, shivering at the small whine Steve let out once Bucky's fingers locked into his golden hair. 

"We really gotta get up Buck." Steve whispered. "Training and all."

Bucky just hummed, moving the tips of his fingers further into Steve's hair in order to reach the top where it was still fluffy and soft from the way Steve was sleeping. It was an awkward position and for anyone else it would have been uncomfortable but for the two super soldiers it was relaxing and they could spend all day like that if they were allowed but Steve had been trusted by everyone else (and most importantly  _Bucky himself_ ) into training with the brunette and helping him to control the Winter Soldier. 

Hopefully, if Bucky could gain control and work with the 'other guy' instead of fully relapsing into him, Bucky would be able to became an operative at S.H.I.E.L.D. Banner, who knows what it's like to turn into something else entirely, is going to be there; recording Bucky's energy and heart rates. He'll have his equipment there as well as one of the Night-Night guns that FitzSimmons created just in case The Winter Soldier takes over. 

Because Banner's waiting, they really do need to get up. It took around seven and a half more minutes before Steve managed to wake Bucky up properly and then jump into a shower. Bucky laid in bed, stretching his arms over his head and arching his hips upwards before snuggling back down into the comforter. He looked out the window for a couple minutes, watching the clouds roll over the skyscrapers round them. 

If someone had told Bucky back in 1943 that he would end up here; in a country that legalized gay marriage, sharing a room with Steve and working towards something good; he properly would have laughed it off. But he  _is_ here and so far, it's permanent. 

"What you thinking so hard about?" Steve exited the bathroom wearing nothing but tracksuit bottoms that hang low on his hips, showing a deliciously good looking chest and prominent 'V' lines that nearly made Bucky drool. He had a towel round his neck, his hand running through his messy, damp hair as he looked at Bucky. 

Bucky snapped out of the images flashing through his mind before answering. "Just how different this place is from the old times." Steve laid back on the bed, feet dangling over the edge and his head on Bucky's chest. His wet hair dampened Bucky's tee shirt as Bucky ran his fingers back through the wet curls absent-mindedly. 

"Good different?" Steve asked following Bucky's gaze to the skyline. "Or bad?"

"Good." Bucky didn't even need to think. "Definitely a good different."

Steve smiled and turned his head to rest his cheek against Bucky's chest whilst he studied Bucky. Since leaving S.H.I.E.L.D's medical unit Bucky had gotten a lot better in being himself and not being what HYDRA had wanted him to be. His hair's still short, curling at the top slightly from his sleep, and he shaves whenever a hint of stubble turns into the beginning of a beard. His eyes aren't sunken any more but bright with life and he eats the same amount as Steve... which is a lot.

Bucky turned his eyes to Steve and smiled consciously. "What?"

"I'm glad you're here Bucky." Steve whispered, cupping Bucky's cheek. Bucky wasted no time and turned his head to kiss Steve's wrist. 

"I'm glad I'm here too Steve." Bucky whispered back against Steve's inner wrist. They were silent for a while before Bucky closed his eyes and envisioned the way Steve looked at him the first time he saw Bucky in the interrogation room. "Don't let me go again." Bucky pleaded out loud, sounding frightened and vulnerable.

Steve shook his head and pushed himself up to rest his forehead against Bucky's. "I'm not letting you go again.  _Ever._ To the end of the line, remember?"

Bucky did. It was the first thing that came to mind when that last day at the trail. "Yeah, I remember." And Bucky smiled, actually smiled, because they were both given a second chance to say that again.  _To the end of the line._  

***

"Stop holding back." Steve blocked the pathetic punch Bucky aimed at him, twisting Bucky's wrist and sending him sprawling onto the floor. They've been at it for over an hour now, both of them sweating and panting but Steve wasn't letting them finish until Bucky stopped holding back and aimed a good hit to him for once.

"If you keep holding back," Steve said towering over Bucky. "you're never gonna get better. So for the love of god fight me." 

"If I remember correctly Rogers," Bucky grunted from the floor. "I was the one saving your stupid ass from a fight every other day."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Bucky-"

He didn't get to finish. Bucky swung his leg out, kicking Steve in the knee cap and then slamming his metal hand into Steve's shin; throwing the blonde man to the floor a meter of so away from him. Bucky may have been fast standing up, but so was Steve and soon enough they were back at it again. Steve blocking a few hard punches with his shield which went clattering to the floor not seconds later. Bucky focused on his breathing, keeping his heart rate at a steady pace so the 'other guy' wouldn't show and he was vaguely aware of Banner in the corner of the room tapping away at his tablet. 

Steve slammed Bucky against one of the pilers in the room, holding his forearm to Bucky's neck and going for a punch when Bucky spun them over, dragging Steve to the floor and pinning him down with his knee cap. 

"Good enough for you  _Cap_?" Bucky grinned. 

"Close to it." Steve replied, rolling his shoulders against the floor. "You're not relapsing so I would say we're getting there."

Bucky was slammed onto the floor afterwards, only just managing to move his head out the way before the shield was embedded where his head was, denting the mats on the floor. "Bloody hell Steve, you actually aiming to get rid of my head?"

"Keeping you on your toes." Steve grinned.

Bucky scoffed and flipped them over again, wrestling with Steve and managing to gain control of Steve's hands with his metal one. "I ain't no ballerina Steve."

Steve struggled under Bucky, not helping the images flashing through both of their minds as Bucky's legs are on either side of Steve's hips and he was pinning Steve's hands above his head. 

"You guys done or do you want me to leave the room?" Bucky looked at Bruce as he made his way over. Bucky let go of Steve's hands and stood up, stretching out a hand to help the blonde up. 

"How'd he do?" Steve asked, brushing of his shirt and rolling his shoulders again. 

"He nearly let his levels go too high a couple times." Bruce said handing Bucky the tablet. To Bucky it was just graphs and numbers, but Bruce pointed to a specific chart with different points up. There were 14 points altogether, 4 of them red, 10 of them green. "The green shows where you were stable," Bruce explained and then pointed to a red one. "The red shows where you lost some control but you regained it extremely quickly." 

Steve hovered over Bucky's shoulder, reading the graphs and squeezing Bucky's hip with one hand. Whether Bruce saw it or not they didn't know since Bucky turned to smile at Steve. Bruce took the tablet back and tucked it under his arm. "I would say you're recovering a lot quicker than anyone expected Bucky." Bucky's eyes lit up and he let out a breath but Bruce just carried on giving out the good news. "You'll probably be able to do the assessment in a week or so if you keep going at this rate and then get onto the field."

After some more scientific talk and a couple "what the heck does that mean?" Banner left to input Bucky's results into the computer which will transfer everything to S.H.I.E.L.D. Bucky turned round and attacked Steve with a hug, burying his face into Steve's neck and placing a kiss on his collarbone. Steve wrapped his arms protectively around Bucky and ducked his head down to whisper in Bucky's ear.

"I'm so proud of you." Those five words rang in Bucky's ears and he pulled back with a breathtaking smile plastered across his face. 

"Yeah?" 

Steve hummed, pressing a kiss to Bucky's forehead. "Yeah. You did great today."

"Well I hope so," Bucky muttered. "You nearly killed me once or twice."

"Please, I didn't nearly kill you." Steve rolled his eyes, pulling away from the hug and walking to the other side of the room and bending down to grab a couple water bottles form the cooler. Bucky had a glorious view of that amazing ass for a couple seconds before Steve stood up again and Bucky snapped his eyes up to Steve's face before he got caught. He caught the water bottle in one hand after Steve chucked it across the room. 

Bucky picked the conversation back up by scooping the shield up and waving it in the air. "May I remind you that you slammed this down where my fucking  _head_ was not moments ago."

"Like I said, keeping you on your toes Buck." Steve grinned, rolling out the way as Bucky throw the shield across the room. He pounced back onto Steve, wrestling again with him but this time he ended up in Steve's position; hands pinned above his head and Steve's legs either side of his waist. "See, I win."

Bucky grinned and looked at Steve through half-hooded eyes. "I had you on the ropes though."

"Punk."

"Jerk."

 


	3. You Guys Have A Room To Suck Face In You Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other Avengers are off on a mission. Steve and Bucky have the place to themselves and things get a bit heated... only to be rudely interrupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I find all the quotes from the internet or in books when I stumble across them. I found this one online and I just had to use it because it fits perfectly with their situation.

_Where there is great love, there are always miracles. ~Willa Sibert Cather_

 

The assessment room looked exactly like the training room in the Tower; mats on every available space, weapons hanging on the walls and pilers dotted in random spaces. Thanks to Stark they also have Jarvis, although he seems to be sassier and much less willing to help around anybody else. The only difference is the amount of security cameras on the ceiling. 

Bucky's stood in the middle of the room in the S.H.I.E.L.D approved training kit which consists of gray fitted sweats and a white tee shirt with the S.H.I.E.L.D insignia on the sleeves. Like Bruce predicted Bucky was able to do the assessment early so whilst the other Avengers went out on a mission, Steve stayed behind with Bucky and he's currently on the other side of the one-way glass watching. 

Bucky's been in this room for ten minutes now. Coulson said that he can't tell him when the assessment starts because they went it to be like an actual mission, and you never get a heads up out on the field so Bucky situated himself in the centre of the room. During the past week Steve, Banner and Natasha had helped him during training. Steve would fight with him, Natasha would give him pointers and shout out encouragement when he needed it and Banner would help him use the Winter Soldier as an ally, not a weapon. Bucky put the weeks training into use, closing his eyes and steadying his breathing whilst letting The Winter Soldier assess the area. 

Prickles ran up his spine after a minute and Bucky's eyes flew open as he spun round and blocked a punch another S.H.I.E.L.D agent threw at him. The Winter Soldier disappeared and Bucky took over, outwitting the agent and then knocking him to the ground. This pattern repeated until Bucky was sweating through the shirt and panting hard. He wasn't allowed to touch the weapons, he could only use his body but to him it didn't make a difference. He concentrated on breathing and time seemed to slow down. 

 _Pretend it's training with Steve,_ Bucky replayed Natasha's words through his mind as he dodged and blocked.  _Training with Steve, nothing else._

By the time the horn sounded, signalling the end of the assessment Bucky was ready to collapse. Nothing had touched him but he was still aching all over. He fell on his knees, breathing heavily with sweat dripping down his face but he grinned anyway because he did  _good._ The door opened and Nick Fury was stood over him within a second. Bucky tried to stand up alone but Fury just held out a hand and pulled him to his feet before clapping him on the shoulder. 

He wasn't going to get the results just now. People had to re-watch the footage, assess his levels and then make an over-all decision based on what kind of person he was. So Bucky was allowed to go back to the changing room. He jumped into the shower quickly, tearing off his clothes and shoving them into the laundry basket provided before standing under the cool water and cleaning himself off. Changing in under three minutes Bucky left the room, towards the end of the corridor where Steve was leaning against the wall playing with his phone. 

Blue eyes locked with his as he ran down the corridor and straight into Steve's outstretched arms. Bucky's neck was still wet from the shower and it smelled like soap and  _Bucky_ as Steve kissed the exposed skin gently. "You did good Bucky." He whispered, clutching tightly on the brunette with the same strength Bucky had on Steve. "You did really good."

***

"When do the others come back?" Bucky asked the next day, sitting on the counter with a cup of coffee in his hand. Steve had gone out running, like he did every morning, and came back with two cups of light-roast coffee from the corner shop, like he also did every morning. Steve is sitting on the kitchen island opposite him, his cup empty now but still being tossed around and around between Steve's fingers. 

"Dunno." Steve shrugged. "May said that the longest the mission will take is a week but the big guy's gone so they could be back any time really."

Bucky nodded, resting his back against the wall and finishing off his coffee. "Results came back while you were gone." He said casually, tossing the empty polystyrene cup into the trash can and gripping the edge of the counter in his hands. 

Steve nearly choked on his saliva, coughing to clear his throat. "What?"

"The results." Bucky said slowly. "Jarvis said they came in just after you left, you know, before I woke up. I didn't want to know what I got until you came back though."

Steve hopped down from the counter and stood in front of Bucky, resting his hands on Bucky's thighs and smiling at him. "Go on." He nodded.

Bucky swallowed and then called out. "Hey Jarvis?"

"Yes Sergeant?" The AI replied. Bucky hates being called a Sergeant but it's part of his recovery so he's allowing it for now, but soon it's getting the fuck out. 

"Can I get the results now?" Steve watched Bucky as he swallowed again, eyes large and fists turning white against the counter edges. 

"Opening the file now sir," Jarvis said. It took a couple seconds and then: "Congratulations Sergeant, top marks. Welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D."

Bucky sat shell-shocked for a moment as Steve grinned widely, eyes full of nothing but pride and then Bucky broke into a huge smile, his eyes watering slightly. Steve cupped Bucky's cheeks with both hands, pulling his face down to rest their foreheads together. Bucky wrapped his arms round Steve's neck and squeezed his eyes shut, continuing to smile uncontrollably. 

"I did it Stevie." Bucky's smile hurt his cheeks but he couldn't stop it.

"I knew you would Buck." Steve's breath rolled down Bucky's face making him visibly shiver and open his eyes, immediately locking in with Steve. They stared at each other for a while, their smiles slowly disappearing until they were just staring, Steve's hands still on Bucky's cheeks and Bucky's arms still wrapped round Steve's neck. 

Bucky can't remember who leaned in but suddenly their lips were clashing and moving together. Bucky pulled Steve impossibly close, his moan getting swallowed by Steve who gripped at his neck which didn't help the way his stomach was about to explode. Bucky scooted closer to the end of the counter whilst Steve slipped between his legs and then their chests were flushed together; both of their hearts hammering away. Bucky tugged at Steve's hair and Steve slipped a hand under Bucky's shirt; tracing the sensitive scars with the pads of his fingers causing another moan and a whimper to leave Bucky's lips. 

"Buck." Steve groaned, dipping his head down to suck at his neck. Bucky wasn't having it though, he pulled Steve's hair and reconnected their lips because he's been wanting to do this since before the damn war and he's not about to let Steve get his way. But Steve did, in a sense. Steve held onto the backs of Bucky's thighs and, never disconnecting their lips, walked them out to the living room; falling onto the couch so he was hovering over Bucky but still tearing at his mouth.

The elevator dinged, giving them just two seconds to jump apart and try to act completely normal. Bucky sank down into the cushions, draping his legs over Steve's lap and picking up his phone. Steve reached over and grabbed his sketchbook from the coffee table, flipping it over to his latest work-in-progress and picking up the pencil just in time for the elevator doors to open. Tony and Bruce were arguing over something (as per usual) and were waving their arms over their heads to get their points across. Natasha was chewing gum, popping a bubble when she fell into the old armchair Stark refuses to throw out whilst Thor and Clint were talking about something completely random, vanishing into the kitchen and Sam just waved at Steve and Bucky before disappearing up the stairs. 

"How'd it go then?" Steve looking up at Natasha who's already eyeing the both of them with eyebrows raised and a small smirk on her face. Her fiery hair bounced as she shook her head and pointed at Stark and Banner.

"Those two were no help whatsoever." She explained. "They spent the whole time arguing about who should go in and didn't realize that we had already taken care of everything util May had us in the air. Took around 27 hours altogether. So..." She wiggled her eyebrows at the two super soldiers on the couch. "What'd you guys get up to?"

Steve's a shit liar so Bucky swooped in quickly. "Had my assessment yesterday." 

Whatever answer Nat was expecting she dismissed it quickly and sat up in her seat. "How'd you do?"

Bucky smiled widely and Nat was suddenly flinging herself towards him for a hug. "I knew you'd do great Barnes."

"Thanks Nat." Bucky smiled as she kissed his forehead and then stood up straight. She looked around and, after seeing everyone else had left, she winked at the both of them. "I know you guys were just making out and it's about damn time. Clint owes me fifty dollars now. Thanks guys."

And with that she walked away, calling out for Clint with a smug grin on her face. "Hey Jarvis." Steve looked up, waiting for Jarvis to answer.

"I'm afraid Mr Stark already got a hold of the security footage." Jarvis replied making Bucky and Steve turn to face each other. 

Bucky grinned suddenly. "Well he already knows so..."

"Bucky-" Steve started. 

Bucky sat up and pulled Steve in by the back of his neck. "Shut up and kiss me punk."

Their mouths moved slowly against each other's and Steve was soon hovering Bucky again, pressing his chest against the man beneath him and groaning into his mouth. 

"You guys have a room to suck face in you know?" Tony was standing with his arms crossed beside the couch when Steve and Bucky looked up. 

"We know."

"Then use it and stop ruining my furniture."

"Pretty sure Pepper brought it all. So that would make it Pepper's."

Tony rolled his eyes and swiped a tablet off of the table. "That's worse then Cap, ruining a lady's perfectly good, not to mention  _expensive_ , couch. And here I thought you would jump off of the roof before doing such a thing."

"Fuck off Stark."

" _Language_."


	4. Please Don't Cry, I Don't Do Well With Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky hates mornings. Bucky hates it when Steve has to go on a mission without him. But Bucky loves the way Steve wakes him up to say goodbye.

_For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. ~Judy Garland_

 

It had been 6 months since Bucky became an official S.H.I.E.L.D agent and he had the ID to prove it. Whether he wanted to or not, The Avengers took him in as another member before he even got his clearance. The past 6 months consisted of meetings, missions, hospitals and press. Not to mention the stress. At the beginning it was like Bucky had to balance the world on just one shoulder. People either viewed him as The Winter Soldier or were in-denial about the fact that he didn't die when he fell from that train. So he was either a murderer or a ghost. 

Bucky, being stubborn and always up to prove someone wrong, used this as an advantage. He swallowed down any remarks, any gestures and stories and instead trained harder than ever to make The Winter Soldier an ally. It worked; Bucky can now become The Soldier and not relapse into his HYDRA state of mind. The metal arm still scared people, still made them feel threatened and it made Bucky conscious, made him feel like that monster all over again until Steve would wrap his arms around Bucky and kiss where skin met metal. 

The media had a field day when they found out about Steve and Bucky. It was three months after they made it official in their own eyes and they were out running. Sam was visiting some friends out of town so Bucky joined Steve to see if he really was faster than Bucky. The answer was no. The loop at Prospect Park was four miles long and, after running it three times, they collapsed down on the grassy bank for a breather. Bucky wasn't expecting Steve to kiss him. They had talked about coming out to the public but had never come up with an actual decision so it was a huge shock when Steve picked his head up from Bucky's lap and kissed him on the mouth.

Teenagers, especially, went mad for the fact that Captain America wasn't straight. Being the first LGBT superhero in existing records, Steve got dozens of e-mails and messages from people asking questions and saying how much they're glad he came out. Bucky, too, got the same special treatment and he was even stopped in the streets sometimes by people who wanted to ask what it was like being an Avenger or dating the face of America itself. Some of them wanted pictures or his signature to record him saying a message to a family member or a friend and all those people made him forget about the negative side of what people were saying. 

For once Bucky saw the positive side. Kids younger than 10 were stopping him and asking if they could see his arm,  _his metal_ _arm_ and they were always mesmerized by it. Bucky stopped caring what the people running the papers were saying and instead focused his attention on the younger generation; the teenagers and children who liked him; because at the end of the day they were the ones who had a future in the world he was helping to protect and that was all that mattered. 

Bucky's recovery was pretty much over. He was smiling and sarcastic and happy. He was the Bucky from before the war - sure, maybe not the exact same Bucky but close enough to it. And Steve was happy, Bucky could see that whenever he looked over at him, and if Steve was happy... then everything was alright. 

***

Soft lips woke him up early on Tuesday morning. They travelled from the corner of his mouth to the underside of his jaw. Steve was rarely one to wake Bucky up but today he was leaving for a mission and neither of them knew when he was getting back so Bucky wasn't going to complain, especially not when his toes were curling at the way Steve was flush against his body and kissing his way down his neck. 

"Morning," Bucky mumbled into Steve's hair, running his thumb over the back of Steve's neck. Steve's already in his uniform, shield waiting in it's usual space by the door. Nat, Sam, Clint, Vision and Tony are going with Steve on the mission to Russia. Bucky stepped down on the mission after hearing 'Russia'. Whilst he's been on multiple missions and felt that relaxing sense every time they get rid of another HYDRA base, he had yet to step foot into the country where he was turned from his old self into a weapon. 

He'd be able to get there eventually, but everyone understood why he wasn't going and no one was going to push him into getting on that quinjet. 

"Hey baby." Steve's lips brushed against Bucky's collarbone. For a morning in New York, it's hot and Bucky woke up at around two in the morning sweating through his tee shirt. The said tee shirt is on the floor now, leaving Bucky's chest on show. He's grown to not feel self concious about his scars around Steve. Every time Bucky's scars were on show Steve would make sure to pay extra special attention to the sensitive scar tissue and the man never disappointed. 

"How long have we got?" Bucky whispered, nestling his cheek against golden hair whilst eyeing the digital clock sitting on Steve's bedside table. 

"About five minutes." Steve replied moving up to place a chaste kiss to Bucky's temple. "I was gonna wake you up earlier but you looked peaceful, so I left you alone."

Bucky responded by wrapping arms round his boyfriend's waist and burying his face into Steve's shoulder, inhaling his scent. "I wouldn't have minded." Bucky whispered. "Next time just wake me up, 'kay?"

Steve hummed, breath rolling down Bucky's neck and travelling to his spine. "I'll keep that in mind."

"You just gotta make it worth my while though." Bucky stated. "Otherwise you can fuck right off. And only days you have a mission; if you decide to wake me up because you feel like it and you're gonna be here all day then I'll just have to break up with you."

Steve chuckled, kissing Bucky's lips when they pulled back from the embrace. "You'll break up with me over your sleeping habits?"

"Yes." Bucky nodded. "And don't think I won't."

"Who you gonna go to? Nat?" Steve raised an eyebrow.

Bucky shrugged. "Well when we-" He got cut off by Steve pressing forceful lips to his, swallowing his groan and sliding his tongue into Bucky's mouth. 

Whilst Steve can handle the fact that Nat and Bucky used to be together before Nat joined S.H.I.E.L.D, he can't handle being reminded about it and whenever the topic comes up it normally does end like this. Bucky never brings it up purposely, especially not around his Stevie but Steve himself brought it up this time so he can't be blamed. 

"Whoa." Bucky gasped when they eventually separated. "Where the hell did that come from?"

Steve, eyes still closed, shook his head and kissed him again, slowly this time. Bucky smirked and pulled away, pushing himself on his elbow and eyed Steve. "You jealous Steve?"

"Of Nat?" Steve flopped onto his back and covered his forehead with his arm. "Well seeing as she has Clint as a boyfriend, I would say no. I mean Clint's great and all but not really my typ-"

"Steve."

"I'm not jealous!" 

"Sure you're not." Bucky wrapped his metal arm round his boyfriend's waist and kissed his jaw. 

Steve responded by flicking Bucky's forehead. "I'm not."

"I know." Bucky grinned. "But you are late now."

Steve's head shot to check the time and, sure enough, he was over the five minute mark. "Shit." Steve turned his head, kissed Bucky one more time and then climbed off the bed. Bucky rolled himself onto his back and propped himself onto both elbows, watching as Steve grabbed the bag filled of mission files and weapons they might need during any mission. He got another kiss, a slow and passionate one, before Steve was out the door. 

Less than four and a half minutes later,  _he wasn't counting_ , he heard the quinjet take off from the roof. Bruce was over at S.H.I.E.L.D headquarters for the day so Bucky was alone. Hunter from Coulson's team is due to come over at around mid-day so Bucky has around 5 hours to what he wants. He picked up his phone and padded out to the kitchen, flicking the lights on and pressing a button on Stark's fancy coffee maker which instantly whirled to life and started on a light-roast coffee for Bucky. He typed away at his phone, sending Steve a 'stay safe' text because he forgot to say it before he left and then grabbed his coffee. He took refuge in the big armchair and switched on the TV. 

He flipped through the channels; even now he's shocked by how many channels there are. He's used to four. He went into the cryo when there was only four channels on TV and now there's over 2,000. 

His phone vibrated with a text, tearing his attention away from one of the action movies on screen. 

**Steve:** _I will baby, don't do anything stupid till I get back 'kay?_

Bucky grinned, fingers flying across the keyboard already.

**Bucky:** _How can I, you're taking all the stupid with you_

He laughed when Steve sent back a text with one word ' _bastard_ ' before he replied. 

**Bucky:** _Love you too Stevie x_

***

"Honey, I'm home!" Hunter called the second the elevator dinged open. 

"In here!" Bucky called from his room, pulling a tee shirt over his head and down his chest. He turned round just in time to see Hunter walk in the doorway. Hunter and Bucky had met a month after Bucky joined S.H.I.E.L.D. Being apart of Coulson's team meant that Hunter was constantly over at The Playground but there were rare times - like now for instance - when Hunter could take leave from work and head over to hang out for a bit. They had grown close over the fact that they both liked throwing paper air planes at the back of Stark's head during meetings and they've been friends since. 

Hey, Stark may have saved Bucky's ass from jail but it doesn't mean he can't have a little fun behind the guy's back. 

"Have you heard from the others yet?" Hunter asked whilst Bucky shoved on a jacket and a pair of trainers. 

He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair. "Steve texted me when they were on the jet but they landed earlier than expected. It's been nothing but radio silence for the past four hours. Heard from May?"

"Please, she wouldn't call me even if I was her saving grace." Hunter snorted. "Daisy's on board too, took your place when you backed down, and she's managed to send Coulson a message. Something about it being dead over there, so it means they might be back quickly."

"'Dead'?" Bucky questioned. "Knowing HYDRA, they could just be stalling."

Hunter nodded, biting his bottom lip. "Daisy's an inhuman though, so if they suddenly attack she's just do her voodoo shakey earth thing and give our guys a head start. Plus Stark's there, and Vision, they'll be able to see them coming a mile off."

"IS Lincoln alright?" Bucky asked as they rode down the elevator. "Haven't seen him since France."

Bucky had joined Coulson's team on a mission in Northern France last month. Lincoln, who was still getting used to controlling his powers through the stress on the field, was a bit shook up after the fight which was more bloody than anyone wanted. Bucky went back to the Tower in a sling with three cracked ribs, a jacked up ankle and a black eye. The serum made him heal quicker like per usual but he was still bed-written until he was 100% better.

He had a great nap though so it was alright. 

"He's not happy Daisy's on the mission." Hunter shrugged. "Other than that alright. He's helping FitzSimmons with understanding the inhuman body anatomy still. That vaccine they were on about, remember?" Bucky nodded. "well they think they found a way to turn it into a control drug instead of completely getting rid of the inhuman powers. Daisy had kinda snapped at them when she found out about the vaccine, so they're trying to make it into a helpful thing, instead of obliterating the inhumans."

"Good." Bucky lead the way out the elevator, scanning his S.H.I.E.L.D ID card in order to get out the front doors. "You want some coffee."

"As long as you're paying mate." Hunter grinned, slapping his shoulder. "Afterwards I want to show you something at the museum."

Bucky stopped in the middle of the side walk. The Captain America exhibit is back at the museum, this time a permanent feature and after walking around it yesterday he's rather not go back. Whoever runs the thing has yet to acknowledge Bucky didn't die back in 1944 and it stung to have to see a birth date and a death date every time his name showed up. Steve wasn't all that impressed either but Bucky took control of the situation, steering them out the blasted building before either of them snapped. 

Hunter noticed Bucky wasn't beside him any more and turned round. "Trust me, you'll be pleased mate." 

Bucky raised an eyebrow. "People say that every time they show me something new. So far, I have yet to be pleased."

"Well this one, you'll love." Hunter promised. "We gonna stand here all day, 'cause you promised me a coffee."

The line at the coffee shop on the corner wasn't long at all. They were in and out of the doors within ten minutes, each with a boiling cup in their hands as Hunter lead the way to the museum. They both cracked jokes on the way, depositing their now empty cups in the trash can once they reached the doors of the Smithsonian. Bucky was rigid, letting Hunter drag him by the elbow through the maze of boards and antiques until they reached the escalators leading to the Captain America exhibit. Once through the doors they were in cramped spaces, everyone seemed to be there. 

They pushed their through the crowds until Hunter stopped in front of the board showing Bucky's face and name. 

__**James Buchanan "Bucky" Barnes  
  
** **Born in 1916, Barnes grew up the oldest child of four. An excellent athlete who also excelled in the classroom, Barnes enlisted in the Army shortly after the attack on Pearl Harbor. After winter training at Camp McCoy, Wisconsin, Barnes and the rest of the 107th shipped out to the Italian front. Captured by Hydra troops later that fall, Barnes endured long period of isolation, depravation and torture. But his will was strong. In an ironic twist of fate, his cap was liberated by none other than his childhood friend, Steve Rogers, now Captain America.**

**Reunited, Barnes and Rogers led Captain America's newly formed unit, The Howling Commandos. Barnes' marksmanship was invaluable as Rogers and his team destroyed Hydra bases and disrupted Nazi troop movements throughout the European Theater.**

**Bucky Barnes**

**1916 - ~~1944~~ Present Day**

Bucky looked at Hunter after he finished reading the words he already had memorized. "What?"

"Read the bottom." Hunter pointed towards where his death date was. Or should be. Bucky's eyes widened and then watered. 

"When did this happen?" Bucky couldn't tear his eyes off of the two words.  **Present Day.**

Hunter grinned. "Last night. Like every single magazine was showing you and Steve leaving early and the museum got a lot of shit because of it. They changed it after a lot of complaints and they're also doing a personal apology speech tonight on live TV."

Bucky turned and looked to all the other boards he knew should have his death date written for people to see but they all had the same thing. He knew that the museum could have just replaced the boards so that there was no 1944 crossed out. But they didn't. It's like they're showing those people who keep saying he died back then that he didn't. Not really. 

Bucky wiped his eyes with the balls of his hands and sniffed, looking back to the board. "Please don't cry, I don't do well with tears." Hunter warned as Bucky pulled out his phone and snapped a picture. He fired it off to Steve.

**Bucky:** _Did you know about this?_

He got a message almost straight away.

**Steve:** _No, when did this happen? It wasn't there last night was it? Or did I just miss it?_

He didn't get a chance to answer because Steve's ID was up on his phone the next second, his phone vibrating with the incoming call. Bucky answered straight away, Hunter nodding towards the doors before turning and disappearing through the crowd.

"Buck?"

Bucky wound his way to the doors and pushed them open, finding himself in an empty back corridor. He slid down the wall, phone pressed to his cheek and his forehead resting on his knees. "I'm here Steve. Just... need a breather."

"How you feeling Baby?" Steve asked. "Talk to me."

"I just..." Tears were streaking down his face now as he hiccuped and sniffed. "I  _didn't_ die back then Stevie and a lot of people keep saying I did. I've spent the past 7 months ignoring everyone who believed that but it still stung and now the Smithsonian is saying that I didn't die and..."

He could hear Steve breathing on the other end of the phone and it calmed him down a bit. "I'm just so happy Stevie."

Steve let out a breath through the line and chuckled. "You had me scared there for a second."

"Sorry." Bucky smiled. "Didn't mean to."

"I know," Steve said. "Why are you at the museum anyway. We went yesterday?"

Bucky picked at the hole in his jeans. "You know I told you Hunter was coming over today?"

"Yeah."

"Well he said he had something to show me at the museum. Didn't know that was going to be it. And that's not even the best part." He was giddy now, wiping his cheeks and grinning widely.

He could just see Steve do that curious smile he does. "What you on about?"

"The people in charge of the exhibit are doing a  _personal apology_ to me on TV tonight."

"No way!"

Bucky nodded with a him. "Live and all."

"Oh Buck that's great!" Steve praised. "I'm sorry I can't be there right now."

"It's alright." Bucky sighed. "How's it over there anyway? I know you can't tell me all the details but I've had nothing but radio silence since you texted and I'm crawling out of my skin right now."

Steve chuckled, then sighed. "It was dead for a while. Friday picked up on a couple underground bases and Tony sorted them out. Daisy and May were out since we touched down, they took Banner with them and we heard some gunfire. They're alright."

"You?"

"What?"

"How are  _you_ holding up?" Bucky repeated.

Steve sighed again. "I'm alright, promise. Went out on field, blew up a base. You'd be proud."

"You make them see white light?"

"Obviously." Steve scoffed, like Bucky just asked a stupid question.

"Then yeah, I'm proud." Bucky grinned. "What was that?" He asked, sitting up straighter as he heard a shot go off. "Steve?!"

"I'm here, I'm alright." Steve reassured him. "But it looks like they've waited long enough. I gotta go okay?"

Bucky gulped; he knew what a Russian battlefield looked like and it wasn't pretty. If he wasn't worried about Steve and the team before, he was now. "Okay. Stay safe."

"I will." Steve promised. "I'll call you once we're on our way back."

"Okay." Bucky nodded. The line went dead seconds later and Bucky took the phone from his ear. Hunter had messaged him just after they separated saying that he was needed back at The Playground so Bucky just headed straight back to the Tower. He fell asleep shortly after asking Jarvis to notify him when the speech was going to happen. At 10 PM Jarvis woke him up. Bucky fixed himself a bowl of cereal, got his ear mic from the briefing room and then sat on his and Steve's balcony; tuning the mic onto the local area station where the speech was being picked up. He could see the lights from the museum even from where he sat on the edge of the balcony, legs dangling over the edge. The glass barrier round the edges started a bit high up, so getting his legs underneath it was no problem. He also wouldn't be able to fall, even though his metal arm would be quick to grab onto the railing anyway. 

Bucky ate his cereal as he listened to the leader of the Smithsonian, a woman called Bethany Johnston, gave the speech. "We wish to apologise to James 'Bucky' Barnes, better known as The Winter Soldier, for the museum's total ignorance of his aspect in the exhibit. I understand that going through what James went through wasn't easy and, even though this apology may seem bland and short, we really are sorry. We know we could have replaced the boards completely and ignored the mistake we made however the use of crossing out '1944' is our personal way of saying that we're aware he did not, in fact, die back then. On behalf of the museum, I wish to give our congratulations to Bucky, not only for working successfully with S.H.I.E.L.D for the past six months, but also surviving the recovery aspect of the impact HYDRA had on him. I also want to wish him luck in the future, with other missions and also his relationship with our Captain America." Bethany Johnston had to stop after cheers and hollers powered over her. "Saying that we also want to say sorry to Steve Rogers for the emotions inflicted upon him when he saw the boards also. We're extremely grateful for what both of them, as well as the other Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D agents do for us. For it we didn't have them, then we wouldn't be as safe as we are now."

Putting the now empty bowl beside him, Bucky sighed and lent his forehead against the glass in front of him. He smiled, partly because of the apology but mostly for the acceptance of his and Steve's relationship. The fact that people were so happy for them was overwhelming. He didn't need to worry about being out with Steve any more because people were happy to see them. 

And then a much larger smile spread across Bucky's face when arms wrapped round his waist and Steve sat himself down behind him; legs either side of Bucky's body and his chest flush against Bucky's back. Bucky lent back, closing his eyes and marvelling in Steve's embrace.

"I thought you weren't coming back for a while." Bucky murmured. 

Steve kissed his jaw and lent his cheek against Bucky's. "Coulson and Fury heard about the Smithsonian. They had a quinjet fly out and get me."

Bucky smiled, taking out his ear mic and putting it in the pocket of his jumper. "Did you hear the speech?"

He felt Steve's cheeks tug up as he smiled. "Yeah baby, Jarvis had it playing on the jet and then in the elevator on my down here."

"You know," Bucky sighed, interlocking their fingers together. "if someone had told me back before the war, that we would end up like this, I wouldn't have believed them."

"I don't think I would have either." Steve said gently. "I don't know if it would be because I was just ignoring what I felt towards you or because back then we could have been arrested but..." He broke of with a sigh. "I'm just glad we get the chance to be together finally."

"Well I think we deserve it after all the shit we went through." Bucky snorted. "I think we should get a happy ending after all of this."

Steve lent his chin against Bucky's shoulder and sighed. "Well that's we're aiming for, right?"

"We always were." Bucky turned his head towards his boyfriend. Steve doesn't have a scratch on him, other than the scar on his temple he got from the day he liberated the 107th back during the way. It's small and you can barely tell, but Bucky knows it's there and he knows it's from where he jumped over fucking fire just so Bucky didn't have to leave alone. 

Steve smiled, placing a kiss on Bucky's lips. "I'd say we're pretty damn close to it Buck." 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've published like three chapters today and this one is by far the longest one, so that's enough for today. Tomorrow I'll probably add another one since I have a whole bunch saved on my computer anyway.


	5. It Doesn't Seem Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve gets the rest of the mission off and, after visiting the Smithsonian, he plans on taking advantage of everyone else's absences in the best way possible... Bucky's more than willing to help.

_To love is to place our happiness in the happiness of another. ~G. W. Von Leibnitz_

 

Steve didn't go for a run the next morning. He didn't even wake up until ten and when he did open his eyes, the bed was empty. He groaned and buried his face into Bucky's pillow, lying there for a moment before turning his head and eyeing the bedroom door. With a sigh, Steve swung his legs out of the covers and padded his way to the open spaced living area. He could see Bucky stretched out across one sofa (the 'L' shaped one) with a cup of coffee in his hand and the TV remote in the other. He was only in sweats and a tee shirt - Steve can't remember if it's his one or not, they both just pick any random ones in the morning and leave it at that - but he has a blanket covering his shins and a pillow resting on his torso. 

Bucky's eyes locked in with his and he smiled, leaning over to the table beside the arm rest and producing a cup of steaming coffee. Steve took it, kissing Bucky's forehead when he lent down and then sat beside him, turning his eyes to the TV. 

"What we watching?" 

Bucky put his now empty coffee cup down on the table and then laid back down. "The news."

"You hate watching the news." Steve swallowed down half of the coffee in one go in a desperate attempt to properly wake up. It's been ages since he slept in that long and Bucky wants to take him to the Smithsonian today so Steve can see the words himself. 

"They're talking about me." Bucky shrugged, smiling when Steve lent his head against Bucky's shoulder. Sure enough, the woman on screen was stood in front of the Smithsonian whilst people in the background went around their ordinary lives; there was a man in a suit walking to work, a child racing up the steps to the museum with his parents following quickly, and then a group of teenagers sat on the museum steps watching the news anchor. 

Steve wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying, he was reading the headline projected over her jacket;  _"Bucky" Barnes stole the spotlight at Smithsonian Captain America exhibit._

Bucky's eyes were trained on the screen when Steve picked his head up from the other man's shoulder and looked at him. This means so much to Bucky. Anyone can see that but Steve just just how  _much_ it means to him. He was beside Bucky for the 6 months, when people just refused to accept the fact that Bucky was alive, and it killed Steve to see Bucky hurt. But now people are opening their eyes to the fact that Bucky never did die, not only that but he survived HYDRA  _twice_. If that wasn't something to be immensely proud of then Steve didn't know what was. 

He pillowed his head against Bucky's chest, closing his eyes as Bucky threaded fingers through Steve's hair gently. "When do you want to go?"

"Soon." Bucky replied, shuffling slightly to get them both into a more comfortable position. "Just not right now."

***

"Come on!" Bucky was practically dragging Steve up the steps to the museum doors. Steve had fallen asleep on Bucky, who didn't wake him up until around one in the afternoon. Even with another two cups of coffee in his system alongside the serum which should make him alert, Steve's eyelids are threatening to close but this is important to his boyfriend so he's staying awake, no matter what. 

The museum was hardly full. Even though it's the third day of the new permanent Captain America exhibit it's also the middle of the day, but once five o'clock hits the place will be packed full. Steve kept his hand firmly in Bucky's as they walked towards the board featuring nothing but Bucky. The picture of Bucky that took up half the screen was taken in 1944, shortly after the Howling Commandos was put together and just two weeks before Bucky's fall. Looking at the picture and then at the real person, Steve could hardly see any visible difference; but all the changes had been more emotional other than the metal limb. 

Steve's eyes zeroed in to the bottom of the board.  ~~ **1944**~~ **Present Day**. Steve's chest felt tight, he wanted to smile and cry and throw up all at the same time. After he woke up years ago the exhibit was over in Chicago. Steve drove down, walked around a bit but he always ended up at Bucky's board. Every time he saw that damn date he would see Bucky falling all over again and it made him sick. It wasn't until the helicarrior in DC, when Bucky jumped down after Steve into the water that he realized;

_If Steve jumped after Bucky on the train then he could have saved him._

Once that thought went through his head, Steve had thrown up. He was sick for days, replaying that thought over and over again and kicking himself because he  _wanted_ to jump after Bucky all those years ago but couldn't. When Bucky turned himself in though, he was glad he didn't jump but if he did he would have never drove the plane into the ice, and never would have ended up here. They had somehow been given this twisted way of a second chance... Steve was gonna take it. 

Bucky squeezed his hand, eyes never leaving his board. Steve pulled Bucky closer, kissing just underneath his ear. "You okay?"

"I..." Bucky opened his mouth but then closed it again, frustrated that he couldn't get the words out. His recovery was quick, yes, but he still found trouble with words and there were days when getting out of bed was difficult. The therapist at S.H.I.E.L.D said that it's completely normal, but it was still beyond irritating. "I want to say something but I  _can't_."

Steve nestled his nose into Bucky's hair. "It's alright, take your time."

People looked at them as they passed, but didn't stop and try to gain their attention. Bucky was counting as he took deep breaths, something the therapist suggested to do. Count to 10 whilst breathing in, count to 5 whilst breathing out and repeat. 

"It doesn't seem real." Bucky whispered; clutching onto Steve's jacket with both hands and tightening his fists. "Whether we like it or not, I fell from that train and you thought I was dead. You went into the ice thinking I  _died._ And I remember... I remember being at HYDRA the first couple months," Steve tensed but didn't say anything. Bucky was remembering things from the past a lot these days, sometimes the memories weren't ones he wanted but it meant he was getting better. So Bucky continued, letting it out. "they tried to control me, to turn me into The Winter Soldier straight away but I kept fighting it. I didn't know why, I just knew I wasn't supposed to submit to them and it  _hurt._ If we're going to be technical, part of me did die back then and I can see why people keep saying I died. It's because I'm not the same guy from before the fall, I'm different. I have his face and voice and memories but it's not  _me._ I... I don't think I want to be the same Bucky."

Steve smiled sadly and moved a hand to the side of Bucky's neck. "It's alright. I'm not the same guy either and it's alright. I don't want you to be the same Bucky, okay? Because you're you and here and that's all I want. If it means you completely change who you are then fine, just as long as I can be there for it."

"I don't want to change _completely_." Bucky sighed against Steve's shoulder. "Just... just enough to be me. Who I think I am."

"And that's perfectly okay Buck." Steve kissed Bucky's cheek and pulled back to look at the blue eyes he gets lost in so easily. After Bucky took a deep breath, he seemed a lot more relaxed. He wasn't as frustrated and managed to focus on Steve's eyes which were full of nothing but love. "You okay Bucky?" Steve cupped his cheek gently. Bucky wasted no time and turned his head to kiss Steve's palm, leaning closer towards him. 

"I'm fine Stevie." Bucky whispered before his lips curled into a smile. "I'm better than fine actually, I'm great."

Steve laughed and pulled him in for a quick peck on the lips, still aware of the people around them. Bucky swallowed deeply and held tightly onto Steve, looking at him and feeling that swell of his chest he gets  _every damn time_ Steve even moves. "I love you." He whispered, as if he was afraid that he might break Steve by saying those words loudly. "I love you so much Stevie."

The look Steve gave Bucky made his heart beat faster and out of rhythm. Steve's entire face lit up, his eyes widening a little bit and his cheeks flushed a slight shade of pink. As if he was holding it in, he let go of a breath and smiled widely. "I love you too Bucky." He whispered back against Bucky's lips. "I love you."

They were both smiling like idiots, oblivious to the people around them and oblivious to the teenage girl who held up her phone and snapped a picture. 

***

The second the elevator doors shut after them and started moving upwards towards the couple's floor, Bucky had Steve pinned to the elevator wall. They had left the museum quickly after saying  _"I love you",_ wanting to get some time alone. Steve didn't protest when Bucky started leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses down his neck; he just slipped his hands under Bucky's tee shirt and gladly left  _bruises_ in Bucky's hips. 

They got a call this morning from Nat, the situation in Russia had moved to Turkey so they were headed over there now. There was no one in the Tower except them to (Stark had transferred Jarvis to Turkey with them). The two stumbled their way towards their room, Bucky kicking the door closed after him with his foot before being pushed onto the bed. His tee shirt was off and discarded somewhere, Bucky could really care less as Steve kissed down his chest; paying extra love and care to his scars which had Bucky arching up into Steve's body. 

"I love you." Steve murmured against Bucky's mouth a moment later. 

Bucky whimpered and pulled Steve's shirt over his head. "I love you too Stevie."

***

An hour later Bucky had his head pillowed against Steve's abdomen; both of them still blissfully naked; with Steve's hands in Bucky's hair. Steve's breathing was calming along with his fingers threading through dark brown hair. 

"These sheets are disgusting." Steve commented after a long time of peaceful silence. 

Bucky hummed and continued to trail his fingers up and down Steve's arm that was wrapped round his stomach. 

"I want a shower too." Steve swatted at Bucky's shoulder. Bucky rolled to lie next to Steve, a smirk toying on his lips. 

"Can I come?"

By this time Steve was stood up and stretching his arms over his head in the most innocent way possible but the way he was arching his back was anything but. 

"Kinda the point Barnes." Steve said, throwing him a wink over his shoulder before disappearing into the bathroom. Bucky stumbled out of bed, chucking the covers onto the floor when they got caught in his legs before slamming the bathroom door shut behind him. 

It was the best shower of his life.


	6. Language

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve get sent over to Turkey where Bucky hears about the infamous 'language' incident...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had absolutely no idea what to do with this one but I have an idea for the next one. Because of that, this chapter is incredibly short... sorry about that.

_Life hurts a lot more than death. ~Unknown_

 

It wasn't a quinjet but close enough to it. The last minute transfer from New York to Turkey happened at six in the morning, before either of them could even get a cup of coffee. Bucky, back in his Winter Soldier uniform, bit his thumb nail for the entire flight until they landed beside The Bus. Daisy, May and Natasha were huddled over a computer screen when Steve and Bucky climbed up the ramp five minutes later. Nat waved them over without even looking over her shoulder which impressed and freaked out all at the same time.

"Remember that black hole in New York?" Natasha pulled up a hard drive with pictures (most of them blurry or out of focus) on the screen. Steve nodded and Natasha stopped short, turning to Bucky. "Basically there was a-"

"Yeah I know." Bucky interrupted. "Read the reports." He added when the other four cast him a look. 

Natasha just nodded and carried on. "Well it's a similar attack here. The HYDRA base was a weak link, by the time we found it it had already been destroyed. Thor said he could 'sense' alien energy, whatever the hell that means. There's no way of telling how the aliens keep sending more over or if they just sent a whole army in one go, although they're all coming from this main area." Nat used a pen to circle a space on the map in front of May. 

"Stark's using the suit to get an overhead shot of the area." Daisy explained. "But everyone else is on the ground trying to work their way towards it. So far, no luck."

Steve squeezed Bucky's hand. "So we're pretty much just aiming to block their way in?"

"Exactly." May tucked a gun under her shirt. "Ready to go?"

***

"You know," Bucky started, catching the shield that just knocked down three aliens before throwing it over his shoulder towards Steve. "the more I see the future, the more I hate it. I mean, fucking  _aliens_?"

"Language Barnes." Tony said through the comm. 

Steve groaned and looked up towards the sky where the red and gold suit was zooming past. "I thought we got rid of that?"

"Sorry Mr Universe." Bucky could just see that smirk on Stark's face. "I think we'll keep it a bit longer."

Bucky took his comm out of his ear, disengaging the mic as he did so and turned to his boyfriend who had done the same thing. " _Language_?"

Steve shrugged.

"Steve," Bucky shook his head. "You know you were in the army right? That's how we bloody spoke."

Steve shrugged again and flung his shield towards an overturned car. There was a disgustingly loud splattering sound before the shield was hurtling back towards the magnet in Steve's suit. "It slipped out once, the team made assumptions. They actually started a swear jar too. Wasn't going to stop them though, if they want to make fun of me fine. I'm already halfway to getting a new motorbike with that bloody jar so,"

Bucky chuckled with a shake of his head. "I forgot how fucking devious you are." Steve just grinned.

***

Three days later and the fight hadn't even begun to calm down. It was cold, constantly dark and sometimes it was hard to breathe. They all wanted a break, more importantly a shower, but the possibility of getting out of the blasted place in the next 24 hours were slim. Even Daisy's powers weren't a match for the aliens, no matter how much she made the ground shake. 

Steve, Sam and Bucky were away from the others; surveying an area that seemed almost eerily silent. There had been no fighting in the area since the team had first landed which had everyone's nerves standing on end. Sam, with a gun in his belt, used his wings to get a birds eye (pun intended) view of the ground but was still coming up with nothing.

"I don't like it." Steve whispered. He was close enough to Bucky for the brunette to hear him. "When does a battle ground have no activity in the  _dead centre_?" 

"The French had the Rhineland back during the war." Bucky, the smart ass, commented with his gun in front of him.

"That wasn't the centre of a fight Buck."

"The whole bloody earth was in the war Steve. The world was the battleground. But if you want to be technical then fine."

"You could have said Spain."

"They were in a civil war Stevie." 

Sam landed slightly ahead of them. "You guys done with the history lesson?"

"Leave 'em to it Sammy." Clint said through the comm. "Give the grandpas some time to let it out. Good for the mind ya know?"

"Shut it Clinton." Bucky muttered. 

Clint gasped from the other side of the comm - most likely inside the quinjet. "Where and when did you learn my full name?"

"I've been given full access to all of S.H.I.E.L.D's files now." Bucky grinned. "You think I would give up the opportunity to learn every dirty second. Who's Monica by the way?"

"Shut it Ja-"

He never got to finish; or he probably did but Bucky didn't get the chance to hear it. He didn't know what happened, one second he was up right on his feet and the next there was a flash of blue. Bucky heard Steve shout his name as Bucky was sent flying through the air. He heard a couple gunshots, more people crying his name, before he hit the brick wall of a house. The impact was too hard, the soldier went straight through the bricks causing everything to topple down on top of him.

Then everything was black.


	7. Life Asked Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve already lost Bucky twice. He can't lose Bucky a third time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry

_Life asked Death, "Why do people love me, but hate you?". Death responded "Because you are a beautiful life, but I am a painful truth." ~Unknown._

 

Steve had watched Bucky fall from the train in 1944. Steve had watched The Winter Soldier's face when  _he_ was falling from the helicarrier before plummeting into the water. Both times Steve was sure that they would never see each other again. Both times Steve had gotten Bucky back. 

But what was the chances of a third time? They had already lived a miracle, had already seen more of life than others had. It seemed almost fitting that God had finally decided to ruin their chances of a happy ending. 

It happened in slow motion for Steve. One minute Bucky was laughing, then Steve saw the alien and shouted out for Bucky but the explosion was already in play. He saw a flash of metal hit the brick wall, saw the rifle flung out of Bucky's hand and heard the sickening clash of flesh, metal and brick before the building toppled down. Sam was quick to hold Steve back, calling for help at the same time as Steve struggled in Sam's arms and started screaming Bucky's name because Bucky was not allowed to be dead. 

May flew the smaller jet over, Natasha and a medical crew inside whilst Jarvis contacted the S.H.I.E.L.D approved hospital in New York. When the jet landed Natasha was running down the ramp and towards Steve who, still struggling to get out of Sam's grip, now has tears streaking down his face. Stark landed in his suit beside the rubble, using the scanners to find the safest way of extracting Bucky from the mountain of bricks and glass. 

"Sam let go." Steve ground out through gritted teeth. 

Natasha pushed her hand against his chest, right on top of the white star. "Steve-"

"Let me go!" 

"Found him!" Tony yelled, now out of his suit and turning frantically towards the other three. "Sam let him go."

"Bu-"

"I need his help." Tony glared. "Let him go."

***

Bucky was awake, he just couldn't open his eyes and everything  _hurt._ Only his metal arm seemed to be fine, but that was jammed under a giant chunk of rubble and getting it out would include moving his entire upper body which was definitely out of the question. He could hear bricks grinding against each other, light peeking through certain spots. He didn't know how long it took but then the pieces covering his face were flung away. Despite the pain shooting through his body, Bucky inhaled a large breath of air. Fingers touched against his neck, checking for a pulse and people were saying things but nothing was audible. 

"Barnes." He could only barely make out Tony above him. "Come on mate, open your eyes for me."

Bucky tried, he really did but it hurt. "I-I can't." He almost whimpered before spiralling into a fit of coughing. 

"Okay, stop stop!" Tony steadied Bucky into a normal breathing habit. "Take your time, just... slowly. Don't move that!" He snapped the last part, obviously talking to someone else. 

Slowly, like Tony instructed, Bucky let his eyelids move so his eyelashes tickled his cheeks. He managed to open them halfway, enough to make out Tony's features. Upon seeing Bucky's eyes halfway open Tony smiled and hung his head in relief. "Oh thank god."

"W-where's Ste-"

"He's okay." Tony interrupted, seeing the pain in Bucky's face as he tried to form a sentence. "Shaken up and worrying like mad but he's okay." Bucky sighed in relief. 

"Steve." Tony called over his shoulder. "Get Hill on the phone. Tell May to get the others out of here."

Bucky felt himself blacking out again but fought to keep his eyes open.  _He's not going to die dammit._ He can't let Steve go through that again. 

"Right Tin-Man." Tony moved another piece from Bucky's body. "Where's that metal arm of yours?"

Bucky grunted back an incoherent sentence, eyes flicking down to the rubble pressing into the metal plates. Tony looked also before getting Jarvis to do another scan to find the safest way on getting Bucky out. "Okay," Tony's voice wavered slightly. "Right Bucky, I'm getting Steve over here okay. Stay awake for me, 'kay?"

Tony shot out of Bucky's line of vision before he could answer, but then the blue eyes he's oh so in love with were looking down at him with worry, relief and fear all in one look. Bucky could hear bricks moving, could feel the weight bearing down on metal arm get lighter and lighter but he couldn't look as Steve cupped his cheeks and pressed his forehead gingerly to Bucky's. 

"Oh my god, Bucky." Steve breathed. From this close Bucky could see the tear stains and his instincts screamed at Bucky to make Steve feel better but he's the vulnerable one in this case and he can't. 

Bucky closed his eyes, concentrating on getting his heartbeat to match Steve's like they practised. "I'm okay Stevie."

There was murmuring and Steve turned his head, nodding slightly. "Clint's gonna move the bit on your stomach okay baby?"

Bucky was so enveloped in Steve that he hadn't been paying attention to what was going on around them. Both of his arms were free, his legs too. The massive chunk digging into stomach and making it difficult to breathe is the only thing left on Bucky. Bucky nodded, painfully. 

Clint counted to three and then, with whoever was helping him, lifted the rubble off of Bucky. Except it did more than that. 

Bucky felt like someone had just torn him open and he screamed out, dots blocking his vision and the feeling like he's going to throw up was building in his throat. Clint swore and then shouted over to medical ("get your fucking asses over here!"). Small, delicate hands pressed themselves down hard onto Bucky's stomach - when did Natasha get here? - and people were shouting and Steve was _again_ pulled away from Bucky. 

"Останься со мной котенка." Nat moved so she looked Bucky in the eyes. "Держите глаза открытыми для меня . Не уходи."

**(Translation: Stay with me kitten. Keep your eyes open for me. Don't go.)**

Steve was dragged kicking to the quinjet, his eyes never leaving Bucky's body. His boyfriend was still lying on the rubble, Natasha whispering to him through tears and sobs and then Clint was lifting him onto a stretcher. Sam and Tony had to pin Steve to a seat as the medical team hooked Bucky up to the heart monitors and started cutting Bucky's uniform so they could see the wound. 

"Come on Steve, cal-" Sam never got to finish. 

For a long, deafening and heart-breaking moment the heart monitor only made one sound. Steve paled even more, going limp; Tony spun round so quick he was a blur, Sam froze, Natasha screamed and Clint caught her before she could fall to the floor. 

Bucky had flat-lined. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry


	8. God Please Don't Let Him Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team stopped believing in God a long time ago but it seems to be everyone's praying tonight

_The truth is that airports have seen more sincere kisses than wedding halls, and the walls of hospitals have heard more prayers than the walls of churches. ~Unknown_

 

Steve never really believed in God. As a kid he would often watch his mother pray that he would be alright, but every time someone asked him why he never believed in the same thing as his mother he would simply reply that he wouldn't be the way he was if God was real. He wouldn't be sick 24/7, wouldn't be on his deathbed every winter, wouldn't be 'that kid'. When he came out of the ice, whilst it was only for a short time, he did believe in God. Then he lost Bucky again and he lost God too. As stupid as it sounds, Steve could never make up his mind about the bearded guy in the sky. He wouldn't call himself an agnostic, nor an atheist, but he was not a Catholic or a Christian; no arguments. 

Natasha never once believed in God. The Red Room had beaten her out of any knowledge of religion, prayers or beliefs. She was taught the necessities on how to survive and that was it. After joining S.H.I.E.L.D her disbelief got stronger if it was even possible. Fighting aliens, dealing with rouge Inhumans and fighting alongside a super soldier from the 40s had no religious explanation. Then Banner came along, then the twins and Daisy and Natasha was just about ready to tell any Catholics to screw off whenever they tried to talk to her about Jesus. 

Sam Wilson grew up in a religious household. He never understood the ideas of God but couldn't argue because that's how he was brought up. His whole childhood revolved around going to church every Sunday and knowing the meaning behind Easter and Christmas. But after seeing the tragedies of war, after becoming the Falcon, he was clear in the fact that God was either biased or non-existent. If he were real and responsible for the great lives of so many people... then why would he sacrifice dozens to death and poverty every day?  _"God is all loving."_ Sam calls bullshit. All loving means loving everyone... means everyone has a fair chance of survival. But the amount of death he's seen in innocent people isn't loving. 

Tony... well he's Tony. He grew up believing the greatest thing created was Science and Captain America. He could never be seen on his knees come Sunday, he wouldn't be caught dead with a Bible. If God was real then Science would be some kind of unexplainable hobby. If God was real his father never would have created the Steve that's sat opposite him now. If God was real... the world wouldn't need The Avengers. 

Bruce sometimes finds peace in believing that there's a guy looking over him. That peace doesn't last long, maybe a couple minutes. That peace will then turn into frustration because God never would have let him become The Hulk and sometimes he thinks the world would be better off without the threat of Code Green. There would be no Avengers, there would be no... destruction. Hospitals would be empty, everyone would be healthy. You could call Bruce an agnostic if you wanted too. His mind is to full of ifs and buts to even think about where he stands on whether God is real or not.

Clint won't answer directly. He'll give contradicting statements and sassy remarks but never a clear, straight to the point answer on his beliefs. Normally he'll just let people believe what they want. Depending on where and why he'll beg to whoever might be watching above, that everything will turn out alright. But ask him where he stands and he'll shake his head, mutter something unbearable and walk away. 

Pietro and Wanda couldn't possibly wrap their heads around the whole 'almighty God' thing for obvious reasons.

Coulson, Daisy, May, Hunter, Fury and FitzSimmons... well they work for S.H.I.E.L.D and have seen more freak accidents to do with alien technology and magic than they care to calculate. God may well be real, but he's not as great as everyone says he is. 

None of them have prayed in a long time but today, in a private waiting room of the S.H.I.E.L.D hospital in New York, they all seem to praying to the big guy. Dr. Cho was running the surgery, sending assistants and doctors running in and out of the operation room which did nothing to settle anybody's nerves. 

When Clint and Sam had lifted the huge chunk of rubble from Bucky's stomach they didn't know that the sharpest point (a fat point like a huge arrow tip made of brick and cement) was actually  _buried_ into Bucky's flesh. It had gotten past his uniform, the skin and had pierced his lung. The serum had done him some good for the whole forty minutes that they spent trying to un-bury him but they had effectively ripped him open and nothing could have helped Bucky then. Whilst the rubble had been putting Bucky into extreme amounts of pain, it had also been holding all the damage into one area which was also keeping him alive. 

After someone flat-lines, it takes seven minutes for them to actually die. You see, they're lives flash before them for seven minutes which allows someone to try and get their heart starting again but hospitals are ordered by law to work for twenty minutes into getting the blood flowing. The medical crew on the quinjet had his heart working weakly in just three and a half agonizingly long minutes but Bucky's heart beat was so slow it was dangerously close to failure again. Steve had fallen into shock, not speaking or moving for the whole flight and his eyes were steadily trained on his boyfriend's metal hand that hung limply from the bed. Nat had been forced into a chair and was blocked by Clint who was doing his best to calm her down but to no success. The others were avoiding looking at the blood splattered floor or the medical staff as they cut the top of Bucky's uniform so he lay shirtless on the bed. 

Fury was stood by the window, shoulders slumped and a badge playing between his fingers. No one knew what badge it was, it looked old and foreign but they all sensed it had something to do with Bucky which put another wave of depression through everyone. Coulson had called up every possible doctor around the world, getting them on the fastest flight possible to the hospital where they're currently behind the large wooden doors marked  **'OPERATION ROOM. NO ENTRY'**. Nurses came in and out of the waiting room, bringing drinks and at some point a change of clothes for everyone as they were still in their uniforms (minusing Stark and Banner). Steve had changed last, toying with the hem of the shirt they had gotten from the Tower because it just so happened it's one of Bucky's. When he did come back from the bathroom he fall back into his original seat, gripping tightly onto Natasha's hand. She sat with her chin on Steve's shoulder, rubbing her thumb over his knuckles soothingly but her tear streaked cheeks were a huge sign of saying:  _I'm as scared as you are._

Daisy was sat on Steve's other side, biting her thumb nail in anticipation. Bucky and Daisy had created a bond a couple months ago when they teamed up to prank Hunter. Ever since they were constantly on some kind of communication method, planning their next big prank (which was gonna be on Coulson himself). Steve had met her when she joined Coulson's team a few years back. When she acted like the metal arm thing was a normal thing Steve couldn't have been more grateful that she was one of the few people that never once viewed him as monster. 

Without even thinking he held out his other hand towards her. Daisy took his hand in one of hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze but Steve didn't know if she was reassuring herself or him. 

***

The overall operation took eight and a half hours; excluding procedures taken on the quinjet. No one had moved an inch in that time, not until Dr. Cho came out of the operation room and through the glass doors of the waiting room. She didn't even need to say anything, the look on her face said it all. 

Bucky was fine.

Natasha swooped over and tackled Steve into a hug (his right hand still gripping onto Daisy's) as they both cried. Hunter and Pietro, who were sitting opposite each other and had consumed at least four cups of coffee each, looked close to tears as well as they used each other for support whilst everyone else had to sit down to calm their heartbeats. 

Bucky was transferred to a room three floors up which had an en-suite and a kitchen area. He was laid down on the bed, the bottom half of his uniform still on (minus the shoes and weapons belt) whilst they had to cut off the upper layers to access the wound. 90% of his stomach, as well as his right shoulder was bandaged heavily and he had a tube down his throat to help him breathe. One of Dr. Cho's assistants was stood next to the bed, attaching an IV line to Bucky's arm and plugging it into the machine. He was gone quickly afterwards, letting Steve drag a chair from the corner of the room to the head of Bucky's bed. Steve took Bucky's hand (still warm) in his own and brought it up to his lips gently. 

People came and went; Daisy and the crew had to head back to the Playground but insisted that if anything changes, no matter how small, they get called. Nat sat on the arm rest of the plastic chair the whole time, running her thumb over the back of Steve's neck soothingly as the rest of the team headed back to the Tower for a wash up and a night's sleep. Tony came back with a change of clothes for Steve and Nat before sitting down beside Bucky's left arm and opening it up. Steve didn't know what he was doing exactly but by the time he was out of the bathroom from changing he heard Tony 'ah' and then the whirl of Bucky's arm coming alive again. 

He left shortly after that with a quick pinch on Steve's shoulder and telling him to be good. Nat kissed his cheek and left with Tony, giving him one last look over her shoulder before she shut the door. 

Resting his forehead against Bucky's good shoulder (the one where metal meets flesh) there was only one thing going through his mind:  _God please don't let him die._

Little did he know that the others were thinking the exact same thing. 

***

Four days later Bucky was moved to the Avengers facility in Up-State New York. By this time Bucky no longer relied on the tube down his throat to breathe, and his heartbeat was beating normally. Thanks to the serum he no longer had the bruises and cuts on his face but the stomach wound was only just beginning to heal. Nonetheless they were given the all clear to start taking him off the medication keeping him in asleep. Steve had stayed with him the whole time; only leaving the room when the doctors would change the bandage on his stomach. 

When the medication was taken away his levels spiked for three hours straight. His body had gotten used to the medicine, even in the short period of time, so he was going through minor withdrawal symptoms. 

_"No major concern," Dr. Cho had insisted. "Soon enough he'll return to normal."_

When that time did come, it also came with his metal arm moving on his own accord. It looked like Bucky was trying to find something close to him, but the closest thing to him was Steve who had taken refuge in an armchair beside the bed with his feet propped up on the blankets. Steve only put his hand over to Bucky's to calm him down, but Bucky just turned his hand over and slipped his fingers between Steve's own, gripping on tight. 

It wasn't until the sixth day that Bucky showed signs of waking up, but the seventh day was when he actually opened his eyes. When he built up enough energy to turn his head the first thing he saw was Steve's hand inside his own and he smiled, thanking whoever made sure his Stevie was alright whilst he was unconscious. Steve himself was asleep, curled up in an armchair which was too big even for Captain America himself. It took some effort but Bucky managed to push himself onto his metal elbow and then reach over to shake Steve's leg with his right hand. 

Steve shook his head, sticking his bottom lip out into a pout before shuffling as if he was trying to find a more comfortable position. 

"Steve." Nothing. "Stevie." If anything the blonde just pouted further. "Steven Rogers wake the fuck up." Bucky put on his most authoritative voice and glared when Steve cracked one eye open. After seeing Bucky's eyes glare at him, Steve snapped both eyes open and nearly  _flung_ himself into Bucky's lap. Bucky ignored the pain shooting through his stomach in favour of wrapped his arms tightly around Steve. 

They were both nearly close to tears as Steve pulled away ever so slightly and placed kisses round Bucky's face until they met Bucky's lips and they locked together. "I thought you were fucking  _dead_ Bucky, what the actual living fuck!" Steve sprung away, standing up now and tugging at his hair. He's in the bottom half of the Cap suit, a thermal running tee shirt covering the belt and running shoes kicked off by the door. 

Bucky winced slightly as he swung his legs round off the bed and faced Steve. Bucky himself is only in tracksuit bottoms with some socks on; his stomach and chest is covered in a huge white bandage as well as part of his right shoulder. He feels like crap but Steve looks relieved and scared and Bucky just wants to make him happy. 

"I'm sorry Stevie." His voice came out quiet but Steve stopped pacing and dropped his hands to his sides. Now Bucky's confused because he went from scared to looking pained. 

Steve cupped Bucky's cheeks in his hands and raised his chin so their eyes met. "Why are you sorry?"

Bucky shrugged. "You looked scared."

"I was scared Buck." Steve placed his forehead to Bucky's and sighed, his breath rolling down Bucky's cheek. "I was so scared because you did actually die this time and I-"

"What!?"

Steve winced and pushed on Bucky's shoulders when he tried to stand up. 

"Steve what the hell do you mean by I actually  _died_ this time?!" 

"You flatlined." Steve said, getting straight to the point because he knows trying to skirt his way around the subject wouldn't do any good. Bucky's still recovering from HYDRA and now he has to recover from this on top of it.

"When?"

"On the quinjet. About two minutes after we got into the air." Steve watched Bucky carefully. "You were dead for three and a half minutes."

After that they stayed silent. Bucky's brain was trying to get around the fact that this time he did die; Steve was hoping he hadn't messed anything up. He slid his hands from Bucky's shoulders downwards until he was holding onto Bucky's hands between them, running his thumbs across a couple rough spots on Bucky's knuckles. He lent over and kissed Bucky's forehead gently. "I love you."

Bucky closed his eyes and sighed, the kind of sigh where you're trying to calm yourself down. "I love you too Stevie."

"I gotta get Doc in here you know?" Steve whispered. "They said the second you wake up to get someone. And the others are going to want to know you're awake too."

Bucky nodded, squeezing Steve's hands before letting go. Steve was at the door when Bucky called his name and beckoned to come back. Steve wasn't expecting Bucky to literally pull him down on top of him and started kissing him like he was going to go to hell for it but he didn't care. But he didn't complain nor pull away, just push himself onto his forearms so he wasn't pressing down on Bucky's wound and let Bucky slid his hands into golden hair. 

"I really love you." Bucky whispered against aching lips. "Like a lot. You know that right?"

Steve laughed and kissed him again. "Of course I do Buck. And I love you so much too."

"Good." Bucky swatted Steve's ass and then pushed him back into a standing position. "Go get the doctor then. Don't have all day Stevie."

"Yes what was I thinking?"

He got a toothy grin in response. "Don't really think you were."

"Asshole."

"Language!" 

"Oh for fuck's sake!" 

The bastard just started cackling like mad as Steve left the room, grinning too. He found Dr. Cho somewhere on the ground level. She was tapping away at her phone, but rushed her way up to Bucky's room the second she heard he was awake. He dialled Nat's number, before rethinking it and calling Tony instead. 

Whilst Nat would be the first person that Bucky would call, besides Steve of course, Steve saw the look of absolute  _terror_ on Tony's face when he saw Bucky lying in the rubble. He saw the fright etched on his face during the waiting hours and then the pure joy when he found out Bucky was alright. After everything that Tony did for Bucky; not only in the past week but for the past six or so months, it just felt right to call him up and have him be the first person to know.

"Go for it Capsicle." Tony picked up quickly but he sounded like he wasn't paying even half of his attention to the phone call. "What's up?"

"How quick can you make it Up-State?" 

Tony paused before asking slowly. "Something wrong?"

Steve just smiled, almost not believing it himself. "No, he's awake."

For a minute or so Tony was silent again before he started laughing because that's how Tony lets off his steam. "Ten minutes. You call Nat yet?"

"No," Steve shook his head and looked out the window. "you're the first person I called. I was kind of hoping you would let the rest of them know."

"That you two grandpas before me over them? Sure, see ya dynamite." Before Steve could get a word in he hung up. Steve just stared at his phone before shaking his head again and making his way back towards Bucky's room. Dr. Cho was just leaving and she gave Steve a smile and a quick hand squeeze on the way past. Bucky was stretched back out in his bed, a fresh bandage on his stomach but this one wasn't as thick and didn't cover his shoulder or the scars from his arm. He shuffled over and patted the space beside him on the bed, indicating for Steve to lie next to him. 

"I'm not going to hash it out any more." Bucky said as Steve laid down. "I can tell you're thinking about it. Don't. I'm over it, just want to get back home. Why the hell are you smiling like that?"

Because, fair point, Steve broke out into a childish grin the second that word fell from Bucky's lips. "That's the first time you called any place home since you got back."

Bucky just stared at Steve, blank faced as Steve continued to smile. In the end Bucky shook his head and kissed Steve again. "You're there Stevie. Any place where you are is home to me."


	9. Back In Brooklyn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's sent back to The Tower early so he can recover. It takes a while, but once he's okay he asks Steve if they can go back to Brooklyn for the day...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any heights, descriptions, characteristics etc. pointed out in this chapter are coming from the comic book characters. Seeing as the movie cast are pretty much exactly like the comic book characters it shouldn't really make a difference however with Bucky's and Steve's height it will:  
> Comic Book Bucky: 5"9..... Movie Bucky/Sebastian Stan: 5"11  
> Comic Book Steve: 6"2...... Movie Steve/Chris Evans: 6"  
> Other than that there is pretty much no difference, and height doesn't really matter in fanfiction. The difference between the two are pretty much exact anyway from the comics to the movies; plus it's only mentioned like once.  
> I'm aiming to make this chapter the longest one I've written yet so bare with me.

_"When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood." ~Sam Ewig_

 

 

The serum Bucky has in his body is only slightly different from Steve's. Steve was injected with one that would make him the perfect embodiment of America whilst also keeping him the same Steve Rogers that landed him the role in the experiment back in 1943. Bucky was injected with a serum that made him The Winter Soldier, made him only slightly more invincible than Steve. Steve was injected once, Bucky was injected after every major wiping session which gave his handlers a ten minute time slot to fill the Soldier in with his next mission.

This did speed up his recovery time but it also meant that his body was aching constantly whilst the serum did its job. After waking up he stayed in the Avengers Facility for another eight days before being let out. Tony threw an extravagant ' _welcome home and thank you for not dying_ ' party (those exact words were written on the banner) and pretty much every high end celebrity/contact in his phone book showed up. The second Bucky step his right foot out of the elevator he was attacked with a chorus of cheers and confetti thrown in his face - contrary to Clint. 

Bucky mingled for about an hour and a half before managing to wiggle his way out of the party and up to his and Steve's floor. The last time Bucky checked Steve was still talking to one of Tony's distance relatives who kept going on and on about how great France was during the early 2000s. Steve had sent Bucky a desperate 'get-me-out-of-here' look but the way the woman was practically  _hanging_ off of him was just too hilarious to interrupt so Bucky did the cruellest thing he had ever done to Steve; had gone up to them, asked the woman to explain to Steve what Croatia was like after the second world war and then left, kissing Steve's cheek as he went. 

Of course Bucky was going to go back and get Steve soon (that woman sure won't shut up any time soon) but if he was practically locked in the Tower for the next four weeks then he's planning on taking  _everyone_ down with him at some point or other.

The brunette stood in front of the mirror in his and Steve's room. It was way too big, starting from the floor and going all the way up towards the ceiling. Bucky gets it, he and Steve are tall (Steve's 6"2 and Bucky's 5"9) but is it really necessary to have a full length mirror they never even use? When Bucky left the hospital he was only in jeans and a loose tee shirt but he was forced to change upon entering the party. He's now in slacks and a dress shirt along with a black tie. Or he was.

The tie's abandoned on the still messy bed - the two never make it unless they change the sheets every couple days or so - and the dress shirt, whilst still on, is unbuttoned. He no longer wears the bandage around his stomach seeing as the wound needs to 'breathe' as Dr. Cho puts it. This only means that for the past two days he's been poking at his stomach and picking at the edge of the wound. It's scabbed over and healing way quicker than anyone could have expected (and there expectations were high) but like it was said before, his whole body aches. 

The scar's roundish, with a sharp line shooting off to his right hip from where he was practically ripped open. It will leave a scar, a nasty one, but what with the other scars all over his body it wasn't surprising news to Bucky. Steve's already acting like it's been there forever, trying to get Bucky's attention away from it but so far with no luck. It's almost ironic that he gets a huge permanent scar from a mission; he got some with HYDRA and now he has one from S.H.I.E.L.D. He can tell the difference between the ones he got from HYDRA and the newer ones. The older ones are jagged and ugly because no one treated them, they left them to heal naturally and without medical aid. The newer ones are more clean, better taken care of. 

Bucky prodded the edge of the scar once more, his stomach muscles rippling under his touch, before he quickly buttoned his shirt back up, tearing his eyes away from his reflection. Whilst he doesn't look it, he's tired and hungry and just wants to shower. He got a chance to jump in the shower quickly but he's pretty sure he still has traces of conditioner in his hair and he never got the chance to actually clean his skin as the second water touched the scab, he jerked away in pain.

But it's been twenty-seven minutes since Bucky got that woman on about Croatia and that's long enough, for now.

Now Steve is way too kind to tell someone he isn't interested unless they're blatantly rude. But Tony's relative, who goes by Meredith, is the sweetest woman anyone could ever meet. Yes, she may be a bit handsy but other than that she's a complete angel and Bucky wants to keep her for the rest of his life. 

Sure enough, Steve was still leaning against the bar; a bottle of beer in one hand and a tight smile on his face as he nods every now and again. The second Steve saw Bucky jog down the stairs (which was a bad idea, his stomach didn't approve) his eyes lit up and scrunched up into a glare all at the same time but when he saw Bucky start to walk over he lessened the intensity of the glare. 

"Ah James," Meredith has yet to realize that whenever Bucky hears his birth name he grinds his teeth. "tell Steve about that... oh what was his name... Monroe. Yes, tell him about Monroe."

Steve raised an eyebrow at Bucky who just squirms under his gaze and clears his throat. "Uh, he was-"

"Absolutely charming lad." Meredith interrupted. "Complete angel. You know, he's actually in New York? I think I should pay him a visit soon." She gripped both of the boys' arms and gave them a slight shake. "And you're both going to come with me, kapeesh? No excuses. Now I must be going... god knows if my apartment is still standing. My granddaughter's visiting and I'd rather not leave a 17 year old alone around my jewellery for more than a couple hours."

"That's a shame." Steve was quick to give Meredith a goodbye kiss on the cheek. "I was really enjoying that conversation."

Bucky stiffled a laugh and hugged Meredith. "Well we'll see you later, say hi to Hannah for me."

Meredith waved a hand over her shoulder as she walked away. By the time Bucky turned to Steve, he was already looking at him. "Monroe?"

"I swear to god nothing happened." Bucky raised his hands in mock surrender. "Ask Nat."

"Ask Nat what?" Nat appeared at Bucky's side, her hand holding onto Clint's who was flipping a dart between his fingers absent-mindedly. "What are we asking me?"

"Remember Monroe Blunder?" Bucky wrapped an arm round Nat's shoulder as she squeezed his waist in a hug, letting go of Clint's hand so she could hug him properly. 

"From '01?" 

"That'd be him." Bucky nodded. 

"Oh god he was such a bastard." Bucky vaguely saw Steve smile smugly against the rim of his beer bottle. "Didn't he try and blow you up at some point?"

Bucky shrugged. "Details are fuzzy. He could have done though."

"Wouldn't be surprised." Clint muttered. 

"Shut it circus boy."

"Love you too baby-cheeks."

***

When Bucky left the bathroom after a very relaxing shower Steve was sitting on the balcony, feet propped against the guardrail with a sketchbook on his lap. He was drawing the skyline, capturing the faint silhouette of the Brooklyn Bride in the background. Bucky, dressed in sweats and the baseball jersey Steve wore when he visited Bucky in the interrogation room, sat on the armrest of the outdoor armchair Pepper insisted looked good on the balcony. Their balcony was just underneath Sam's so if it rained their furniture never got wet, cold and damp sometimes, but never soaking wet. 

"Isn't this from the war?" Bucky asked, flicking the edge of the leather bound sketchbook gently so as not to jostle Steve's artwork. 

He nodded, not taking his eyes away from the paper. "Yeah. You got it for me during 1942. I think it was a Christmas present."

Bucky racked his brain for the memory. More and more memories were coming to him still and he often surprised everyone with just how much he remembered. "You didn't want it." Bucky finally remembered making Steve snap his head up quickly with a small smile on his face.

"I did." He nudged his elbow against Bucky's side. 

"Well yeah, but you kept whining your ass off by how expensive it must have been and that your present for me wasn't even that great." Bucky wrapped an arm round Steve's shoulder and kissed the top of his head. "Which it was by the way. A great present I mean. I wish I still had it."

"I barely even remember what I got you." Steve mumbled, cheeks going pink in slight embarrassment.

"I do." Bucky nodded. "You and Becca joined presents that year. Got me that box with all those pictures and baby things. Actually made me cry that morning Stevie."

Steve smiled and closed the sketchbook, using the pencil as a bookmark. He traced the edges of the leather with his index finger. "It was expensive though, wasn't it? Being proper leather and all."

Bucky shrugged, honestly not remembering the exact cost. 

"You picked up extra shifts at the docking yard." Steve recalled. "You kept saying it was because it was getting colder and we needed to pay the bills, especially any medical bills I might need."

"I can't remember." Bucky frowned. He should remember that right? If he can remember buying it, giving it to Stevie and the way Steve all but  _threw_ himself at Bucky on Christmas morning; shouldn't he remember how he got the money?

Steve lent over and kissed the frown off of Bucky's face. "It doesn't matter." 

"That's the only thing I don't remember about that Christmas." Bucky kept his eyes closed. "I remember really getting Ma worked up when we both slept on the floor in the den. Then Becca joined us and... I remember everything but the effort I went through to buy you a present. I don't know why but it's frustrating."

"It'll come to you eventually." Steve nestled his cheek against Bucky's shoulder and kissed the exposed skin on Bucky's collar where he hadn't buttoned the top button. "Don't try and force it."

Bucky sunk his fingers in Steve's golden hair and bent down to kiss his temple. "It was a good Christmas though, right? I remember that much."

"Yeah Buck." Steve smiled. "It was a great Christmas."

***

Turns out Steve had been only been using that sketchbook to document the most important things in his life. On the very front page he had drawn Bucky's childhood bedroom, the place where he, Bucky and Becca had huddled inside and ate the slices of cake they smuggled from the Christmas party downstairs. Young Steve wasn't in the picture but he had drawn Becca and Bucky together, cake on their cheeks as they seemed to be playing cards. The room was small, even in the picture you could tell, and it didn't help that Bucky was as messy back then as he was now and he had clothes and books strewn all over the place. 

All the other pictures from before Steve went into the ice was something to do with the war. He had drawn Doctor Abraham Erskine sitting on one of the old basic training beds. He had drawn Howard Stark at a meeting where they were discussing the after effects of the experiment. He had drawn Peggy, the experiment room, the shield and then there were pages upon pages of the Howling Commandos. Bucky remembers all of them sitting in the middle of the camp the day they were all liberated from the HYDRA base the Red Skull was holding them in. Gabe was the one who suggested forming a team and everyone agreed on The Howling Commandos as Steve drew. 

As Steve let Bucky flip through the pages he could just tell that this is the exact book he gave Steve back in '42 simply because of the thin pages. Over time they had thinned, but back during the war the makers of books, magazines and newspapers made the pages even thinner than normal so that it saved money and benefited the war effort. Because of this Steve hadn't drawn on both sides of the pages, but on just one side. 

Steve was showering when Bucky came across the drawing of the Grand Canyon. His picture from basic training was paper-clipped to the bottom, as well as his tags drawn scrawly up in the corner. It's the last picture Steve had drawn, besides the one he was just working on outside on the balcony. When Steve came out of the bathroom Bucky had sat up in bed and was running his fingers over the drawing with a fond smile on his face. 

"When did you draw this?" Bucky didn't need to look up to know Steve was in the room. 

"A couple days after you fell." Steve sat beside Bucky on the edge of the bed. "You never got to visit the Canyon and it's all you ever talked about when we were kids. You remember?"

Bucky nodded. "I wanted to camp there overnight and see if Jimmy Robin was telling the truth about it being haunted."

Steve chuckled. "You had maps stuck on your wall and everything. I think that was the only thing you were ever one hundred percent committed too; visiting the Grand Canyon and proving Jimmy wrong."

"What's it like?" Bucky asked handing the sketchbook back. "I've still never been."

"We'll have to fix that soon." Steve stood up and walked across the room to one of the identical desks lining the wall. He dropped the sketchbook on his one and then turned round, leaning against the chair. "It's a lot bigger than you said. I didn't really get to stay long, Gabe snuck us out of camp somehow and hot-wired one of Stark's cars."

Bucky snorted.  _Classic Gabe._

"He nearly crashed it a couple times too." Steve added, shaking his head. "Swore a lot and threatened to bomb the engine. You would have been proud."

"Please tell me Dum Dum comes in at some point of this story." Bucky grinned, remembering the many nights were Dum Dum would wake up him just so they could piss off Gabe together.

"He's the one who realized we were gone." Steve nodded. "Caught Gabe throwing up in the bushes when we got back after he found out, not only did he steal Howard's car, but it could  _fly._ He looked round about ready to just drop out of the army altogether. Wait a sec." He turned round and rummaged through one of the desk drawers before pulling out an old photograph which was torn at the corners. He handed it over to Bucky and then fell onto his back on the bed.

Bucky broke out into a laugh when he saw the photo. It was black and white and blurry but you could clearly see Gabe leaning over a small, knee high bush with his hand on his throat. He could tell Gabe was throwing up, although he couldn't actually see it. Steve and Dum Dum were in the picture, both of them leaning over the car and laughing there assess off. "Who took this?"

"Pretty sure it was Stark actually." Steve smiled as Bucky wiped the tears from his eyes. "He heard Gabe scream when the car started going up. He didn't even yell, just woke Peggy up and started pissing himself."

"Probably more pleased about the fact that the car didn't crash for once." Bucky muttered, sliding the photo onto the bedside table and turned onto his elbow so he faced Steve. 

Steve hummed and closed his eyes. "Trust me, he bragged for days that Gabe didn't nose dive. Couldn't shut him up about it until Peggy literally punched him in the family jewels."

Bucky fell back laughing again because it's such a Peggy thing to do and such a Stark way of getting it done. "The more I hear stories about them two, the more I keep thinking about Pepper and Tony."

Steve sat up and turned to Bucky. "You know, I never actually thought about it that way. I mean, Tony's pretty much Howard through and through but Pepper..."

"She's not  _exactly_ like Peggy." Bucky pointed out. "But she does have a very Peggy way of thinking. You gotta admit."

After a moment Steve nodded. "Yeah, now I think about it she pretty much is just like her."

"Well as long as you're not planning on chasing after Pepper."

Steve snorted and lent down to kiss Bucky again. "If someone takes Pepper away from Tony than the world will be in grave danger Buck, so don't worry. I'm all yours."

"That the only reason you're with me Rogers? So the world doesn't need to worry about Tony?"

Steve held up his hands. "You got me. I'm only with you 'cause Pepper's taken."

Bucky faked annoyance. "Knew the truth would come out eventually. Should have seen it coming, my Ma was right about you all long Steve."

"Please your mother loved me." 

"Well she was obviously delirious then." Bucky propped himself on both elbows and gave Steve a toothy grin. "'Cause you were the reason we were constantly bruised."

"You went to a Science convention for fun Bucky," Steve rolled his eyes. "I'm pretty sure she was glad I got you into a couple fights here and there."

" _Every damn day Steve!"_

"Not  _every_ day."

"Oh my god, you fucking punk."

Steve just grinned. "Jerk."

***

Bucky's overall recovery time took three weeks and six days but he was still aching whenever he moved so Coulson kept him on medical check for the full month. This meant he was cooped up in the Tower whilst everyone else went on missions. They weren't long, nor nearly as dangerous as Turkey; after Bucky's accident the whole team was shaken up and massive missions were out of the question until Bucky was more comfortable. 

There wasn't even much to do. He had reread all his favourite books twice, binge-watched TV series and even completed every single on of Sam's video games. He had moved onto Pietro's (Pietro was not impressed when it took Bucky a solid minute to complete a level that took Pietro forty minutes) when the month was up. But that just meant he was forced into the medical lab of the Tower with Simmons checking up on him. Steve and Fitz were also in the room, leaning over a computer and discussing something as Bucky shrugged his shirt off and let Simmons start prodding the now pink scar. 

The scar came to rest just above his belly button and ended close to the level of his elbows. It was only around three centimetres in height, and five or so in length. It was a deep cut but the serum had meant by the time he was out of the operation room he was already healing and Dr. Cho had put done another op on him a couple days ago to create more layers of skin to protect him from infection and bacteria. It also meant that it wasn't as pink or visible, so that was a bonus.

"Does it hurt when I do this?" Simmons asked, prodding the dead centre. Bucky shook his head. "This?" She pinched the scar and he jerked away quickly.

"Yes, fucking hell." 

"I was expecting that." Simmons nodded, adding a note to her tablet. "The scar is very much like the ones due to your arm. It'll be sensitive and no doubt a sore spot on missions if you get hit there. That's why Fitz redesigned the uniform."

Fitz looked up at the mention of his name. "What?"

"The uniform."

"Oh right, check it out." Fitz switched on the holatable and then swung his hands up. A holographic replica of Bucky's old suit came up instantly. Bucky looked sideways at Steve, who shrugged and shook his head. Neither of them could possibly understand hoe the fuck someone made something like the holatable. They may be used to it because of missions, but they were born in 1916, 'course they're still gonna be confused.

"Here's your old suit." Fitz explained and then pulled the suit apart into different sections. He discarded the sleeves and pants before enlarging the stomach area to show that it was pierced and torn from where the rubble had dug into Bucky's skin. "There was no real protection at all," Fitz explained. "the weapons belt had blocked your pelvic bone from being shattered but that was pretty much the only padding on the entire suit. Now here's the new and improved one."

He seemed to just wave the old suit off and it disappeared before he brought up a new one. It was still black, still showed his metal arm but it was slimmer and had more padding in the knees, shins, thighs and in the right arm. Fitz continued to explain as he pointed out different parts. "The actual suit is completely bulletproof but we couldn't make it invincible from alien weapons, however it will protect you from... well what happened the last time-"

"-You can also choose to cover the metal arm too," Simmons looked almost giddy, her expression identical to Fitz's. "We know that you don't mind showing it off-"

"-we don't blame you it's bloody amazing-" Fitz added.

"-but the choice is there even if you decide in like a year or something you want a sleeve." Simmons handed over a tablet, showing different material qualities and designs of the entire uniform. Steve looked over Bucky's shoulder as the two scientists continued blabbering away. "Fitz started working on a new weapons belt too-"

"-it will be exactly the same size but it will hold a lot more-"

"-and it'll be lighter too." Simmons finished. 

"You like it?" They both said at the exact same time, leaning over the now switched off holatable, with twin expressions of awe and excitement. 

Bucky glanced at Steve again who was trying to stifle a laugh by hiding his face behind Bucky's shoulder. 

"Yeah, it's great." Bucky handed the tablet back, grinning at the way FitzSimmons high-fived. "How long did this thing take to design anyway?"

"Five and a half months." Fitz said casually as Simmons averted her attention to a computer screen. "And that was without all the breaks in between for work and everything."

Bucky just stared. "But the accident was four weeks ago."

"Oh we know." Simmons nodded. "When you first joined S.H.I.E.L.D Fury asked us to start designing a new suit just in case you didn't want to wear the Winter Soldier suit. When you continued wearing it we carried on anyway, just not changing the design completely."

"It was kind of like a work in between work kind of thing so if we were on a break or anything." Fitz shrugged. "After your accident we got Hunter and Daisy to help out too. Hunter knew what you would like and Daisy just weaselled her way into the lab."

"Fitz." Simmons raised an eyebrow. "You asked for her advice."

"I did not." He exclaimed before dropping to a whisper. "You promised not to mention that again Jemma."

Bucky quickly steered the conversation back to the suit. "So when can I actually get into it?"

"Hm?" They both turned towards him before Simmons 'oh'ed and flicked Fitz' elbow.

"Oh right, yeah." Fitz caught on, spinning on his heel and picked up some papers. "We're still putting the finishing touches on it so... we'll be able to take it to Headquarters in about... fifteen days."

Simmons looked at Bucky and Steve before quickly adding in a rushed voice. "But we can always speed it up if you have a mission or something. We're working around your timetable not ours so-"

"Fifteen days is fine." Bucky interrupted. Simmons let out a deep breath before smiling widely. 

"Great." 

"Thanks guys." Bucky smiled. "I'm all clear right?" He asked Simmons. 

She nodded and handed him a tablet. "Just give this to Dr. Banner and you're free to go."

"Thanks again." Bucky smiled at the two before turning and leading Steve out the lab. 

Steve fell into step beside Bucky and took his hand as they walked towards the elevator. "You know, every time they see you you would think they had come face to face with their hero."

"I am their hero." Bucky said smugly with a chuckle at the end. "I like them, they remind me of a calmer Banner and Stark."

"A _lot_ calmer." Steve emphasised. "And hopefully they stay that way."

***

After giving Banner the tablet, Steve headed down to the training room and Bucky went up to their bedroom. He started flicking through the photo gallery of the Smithsonian's website on his phone. They had uploaded a whole bunch of images from the sketchbooks and art pieces Steve donated for their exhibit and with every photo he saw, more of Bucky's memories started to click. His mind was still full of holes and he was still writing in the notebooks he got whilst on the run just in case he forgets all over again, but he's a lot more of a whole person than he was seven months ago. 

Steve joined him an hour and a half later, his hair damp from a shower he must have taken downstairs. He immediately gave Bucky a kiss before going back to the balcony with his sketchbook and sitting in the position he was in last night. Bucky followed around fifteen minutes later in which time Steve was just filling in the last couple details of the sketch (he had been drawing the picture for days now apparently). Bucky lent against the guardrail and drummed his fingers for a while before sighing and turning to Steve.

"Steve?"

"Hmm?" He hummed, looking up through his eyelashes. Bucky started playing with the laces of Steve's trainers as he tried to find the words. 

"You know how more and more memories are coming back?" He asked.

"Yeah." Steve nodded, putting down the sketchbook and beckoning Bucky over.

Bucky sat on the armrest again, stretching his legs out over Steve's lap and wrapping an arm round Steve's neck before continuing. "Well most of them come back when I see something that connects with a memory. I know I'm not supposed to force them back but... I want to remember more than I already do. Can we..." He winced as he lost his train of thought and struggled to form a coherent sentence. 

"You want to do something that might bring more back?" Steve, bless his soul, had already caught on. 

Bucky nodded. "I was thinking going back to Brooklyn." He said slowly. "Just walk around, see what comes back. And if nothing does then fine, but it's worth a shot."

Steve smiled. "Buck that's a really good idea."

"Yeah?"

Steve hummed again, rubbing his hand down Bucky's knee. "Yeah, I think it is."

"Great." Bucky grinned. "'Cause I want you to come with me."

"But-"

"No." Bucky interrupted quickly. "Steve, I've spent ninety-nine percent of my time with  _you._ You are literally apart of my life whether you like it or not, so it only makes sense you come with me."

"I haven't been to Brooklyn since I woke up." Steve admitted, looking down at Bucky's lap. "Not properly, not  _our_ Brooklyn. It just... didn't seem right without you."

Bucky pulled Steve towards him and kissed just behind his ear, nestling his cheek against Steve's hair. "I'm here now Stevie."

Steve nodded, smiling as he turned to cast glittering eyes onto Bucky. "Let's go tomorrow then. How does that sound?"

"Sounds great Cap." Bucky lent his forehead against Steve's and smiled widely. 

***

Steve went running with Sam in the morning like usual, came back with the usual cup of coffee for Bucky and then, when the coffee was finished, literally dragged Bucky into a joint shower - which Bucky didn't complain about, for obvious reasons. By the time they were both dressed and ready to catch the 10:45 train from Broadway, Nat was up and sitting on the kitchen counter in one of Clint's sweatshirts. 

"Morning boys." Nat called from the rim of her coffee mug, her eyes never leaving her phone. "Where you off too?"

"Brooklyn." Bucky answered as he kissed her cheek. 

Nat looked at him with an arched eyebrow as he pulled out two bottles of water from the fridge and tossed one over to Steve. "Didn't Doc say not to force anyth-" Nat started on Steve.

"It was my idea." Bucky interrupted - he's literally one of the only people in the world who isn't scared to interrupt Nat. "Doc  _did_ say not to force anything but most of my memories come back when I see something familiar. Technically I'm just giving them a little push."

Nat turned an eye to Steve who sighed. "I'm not going to let him push them too far and you know it Nat. Besides, Bucky's a big boy. He'll know when to quit."

"Are we talking about the same Bucky?" Nat smirked as Bucky gasped over dramatically. 

"Excuse me!" He squawked. "I knew when to give you up!"

Nat gave him the stink-eye. "Shove it Barnes, I broke up with you."

"No way, it was the other way round."

"This is why I hate waking up in the mornings." Clint stood at the doorway in a tank top of basketball shorts, scratching at the nape of his neck. "There's always some weird conversation going on."

Steve chuckled and Bucky winked at him, feeling a smug grin come on his face when that usual tint of pink made its way to Steve's cheeks. Even after all they've been through, he likes the fact that he can still make Steve all flustered by a simple gesture. 

"Don't worry Clinton," Bucky turned to Clint who had moved to slid between Nat's legs with his head buried in her neck and her arm round his neck. "you can keep her."

"Thanks Barnes," Clint muttered into Nat's neck. "when I go Christmas shopping I'll remember this very conversation and how kind you were."

Nat shared a grin with Bucky and then glanced at her watch. "You two better go if you want to get to Brooklyn with enough time to look around."

The clock read 10:35 and it should take around eight minutes to get to the subway. With one last hug goodbye, they were out of the Tower and heading down the side walk. They caught the C train, which was practically empty, just in time and spent the fourteen minute ride talking about anything that came to mind. The C train dropped them off at Kingston - Throop Avs, which meant they had to walk over to six minutes until they were in official Brooklyn ground. 

Knowing the roads round here are always a nightmare, they decided against hailing a cab and instead took a stroll down the streets. When they were kids they spent most of their time outside, despite Steve's health condition, so with every corner they turned Bucky saw something to do with his childhood. Seeing as they lived close to the bridge as kids, it didn't take long until they reached the front of what used to be Steve's house. When the American government found out it was the house Captain America grew up in they closed it from the market but left it open to the public so they could go in and out when they want. 

No one ever stole anything, everything had an alarm set and everything's out of date and pretty much useless. The second Bucky's foot stepped over the threshold he remembered countless nights where they built blanket forts by the sofa and slept near the close to dying fire. They were the only people there (most people were at school or work) so they had free reign of the house. 

"Everything's the same." Bucky noted, eyeing the pictures hanging above the mantel-place. Bucky and Steve spent their whole childhood glued at the hip so it didn't surprise him when every picture up there had him in there. Steve followed his eyes to the centre picture. It was the biggest, with Steve, his mother and Bucky all smiling widely. Bucky remembered that day; Sarah had taken them for a picnic when they were fourteen and they ended up on the bridge after they ate. Steve and Bucky were sat on the edge either side of Sarah, arms round her neck as she hugged them both. 

"That was just before she got sick." Steve said with a smile on his face as he remembered. "That's the happiest I ever remembered her."

They turned away from the pictures of a while, heading up the stairs. Steve's bedroom was exactly the same; with his drawings still roughly tacked to the walls and Bucky couldn't help but laugh when he saw the crayon doodle he had done on the wall above Steve's headboard. It was smudged and extremely bad but it was only supposed to tickle Steve's nerves back then and it had. Steve never admitted that he liked it though, not once. Bucky had drawn Steve, a small thing next to Bucky who was purposely drawn a lot taller than Steve and with a lot more muscle. 

Bucky had always been a decent drawer, not Steve's level but still good, and he even went to art classes with Steve every Thursday evening. That's where they heard about Pearl Harbour, in the middle of a boring art class and that's when Bucky and Steve decided to their luck at the army. Of course it took months for them to actually sign up, but still...

"Was there an actual reason why you drew yourself like Leone Jacovacci?" Steve examined the drawing from the doorway. 

Bucky shrugged. "I'm pretty sure it made sense at the time." He eyed the rest of the room; the stupid amount of pencils littering the floor and desk, the extremely small clothes hanging in the open wardrobe and then the small bed hugging the wall. "If you even sat on that thing now it would snap in half." Bucky said nodding towards the bed. 

Steve snorted. "You think?"

"I  _know_ Steve." Bucky chuckled. "Forget that it's from 1935. I'm saying that because our bed  _now_ is specifically made so we don't break it."

"Not our fault." Steve shrugged, turning round and holding out a hand which Bucky took instantly. "Sometimes the whole super-strength thing is great, other times it means normal bed frames crack under our weight."

They spent another forty minutes wondering the tiny apartment before leaving. The school they went to had burnt down years after Steve went into the ice and all that's left is the gravel courtyard which was useless when it came to Bucky's memories but in the couple hours that they had been in the city (they wandered around for a long time before making it to the old school plot) , Bucky had remembered a lot and his brain was starting to become full.

They grabbed some pastries and a coffee each from the local bakery (the girl behind the counter looked ready to faint when she saw them) and then sat themselves on the railings of the bridge; Bucky's legs dangling over the water. 

"Was it worth it?" Steve asked, watching the sun go down slowly - had they actually been in Brooklyn the  _whole_ day?

Bucky nodded, keeping his eyes on New York City. "Yeah. Definitely worth it. Thanks for coming with me."

They fell into a comfortable silence after that, watching two separate things which were just as beautiful. When the sun went down completely Steve turned and watched a couple late night dog walkers in Brooklyn Park but Bucky continued to think about how Steve had never seen a world where the Twin Towers existed: he went into the ice before they were made and came out years after they went down. Bucky had seen then when he went on a couple missions for HYDRA, even then he got his breath caught (Bucky had essentially seen the whole world transform from 1943 to the present day in every way possible). 

Finally he turned his attention to Steve. "You ready to head back? Or do you want to stay a little longer?"

Steve sighed and looked at Bucky with a smile. "We can come back any time. Let's go home."

They walked back to the Tower which took about thirty five minutes. Nat called them over the second they stepped out the elevator. All the team was in the kitchen, sitting anyway they could as they ate take out and talked about their different missions. Bucky saddled next to Nat on the island, pulling Steve between his legs as they ate and listened to Pietro laugh his way through telling a story on how Tony shrieked like a girl a couple days ago. 

Everyone was calm that night which was a change; sure they all got time to relax but very rarely with each other as there was always someone on a mission so to have everyone crowding in the kitchen and laughing was no doubt a time to just lose yourself in...

But the night did end with Tony breaking something though... the peace was nice while it lasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I have literally no idea if that was good or not but I'm pretty sure it's the longest chapter I've ever written! Also, the ending was terrible but I've spent the whole day editing this (I wrote it ages ago and only now decided to post it) so I may well edit it later on but for now I'm just leaving it. Hope you all enjoyed it.  
> And if anyone has any ideas what the next chapter should include (even if you just want to recommend a quote) then please feel free to leave a comment and give your ideas -- If you have a quote make sure to leave the person who said it or can't find the person then just write 'Unknown' at the end.


	10. Protective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All couples fight and there's no exception when it comes to Steve and Bucky -- Tony is 100% sure that Mjölnir can only be lifted by someone who has a cape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aiming to get all of my chapters longer and with more detail from now on. The reason why I've managed to upload so many chapters in the past week or so is because I'm on Easter Break still but I start back again in four days; because of this I'm aiming to get maybe one upload every couple days or so.

_I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty and I could not have described it any better._

 

Bucky's frustrated.

It's become a routine that Bucky would write down his day in one of the journals he keeps on his desk but today he can't even think about what he wants to write. He's reread all the entries from the past month in there, hoping that reading them will make him want to write about how fucking angry he is with Steve or guilty and  _scared_ he felt when Steve stormed out three hours ago. 

They rarely fought and when they did it was never about big things. Even then the arguments lasted maybe half an hour before they back in each other's arms again. 

They never raised their voices at each other either; or threw things; or said the things they had three hours ago. 

It started off a stupid argument with Bucky trying to get Steve to stop being so protective and just let him go back on the field already. The rest of the team was out on a mission and FitzSimmons had finished with Bucky's new uniform which is currently hung up in the closet so Bucky doesn't understand why Steve is so adamant on Bucky staying in the Tower. Bucky was the one who initiated the screaming even though the second he started raising his voice his throat started to burn. Steve started shouting back but Bucky was stubborn and didn't listen to a word until Steve got mad and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. 

Bucky probably should have listened because let's face it, Steve was the more responsible one in the relationship and was usually right too. Thinking about it now Bucky can see where Steve was coming from - Bucky  _had_ died this time and that was tough enough on Steve alone, but letting him back out into battle where he could potentially die again? Yeah, Steve had every right to be protective and not want him out there but he was also forgetting that Bucky was an official member of S.H.I.E.L.D now (the oldest working operative in fact) and he could make his own decisions. 

So yes, Bucky was frustrated to put it lightly. 

***

_I literally just hate how one person has so much power over your happiness._

 

Steve was frustrated.

He knew from the moment he opened his mouth that Bucky had tuned out. It was like that. If Bucky thought he was right he wouldn't listen. And Steve means he  _really won't listen._ When Bucky trained with HYDRA they taught him how to hear selectively so he can now tune the rest of the world out and listen to just one sound which sure as hell wasn't Steve's voice. 

Steve can understand that being out of action for a whole month had driven Bucky crazy and all he wanted was to go out and fight - but Steve had to see that bloody machine show his boyfriend's dead heartbeat for three and a half solid minutes less than six weeks ago and he quite frankly wasn't capable of seeing Bucky off to battle again. 

When he had stormed out Steve had taken one of Tony's cars, the black convertible that he never uses any more because he already used it twice and god forbid Tony's seen in the same car more than that. He had driven over to Prospect Park (a thirty minute drive from the Tower) and had already ran a couple laps of the four mile loop. 

He wasn't so mad any more, a little frustrated and maybe disappointed that Bucky wouldn't listen but he understood that he  _might_ have been extremely stubborn himself. 

So yes, Steve was frustrated .

***

Bucky knew where Steve was without even having to check any kind of social media (a lot of people post pictures across the internet whenever one of the Avengers is spotted out in the streets) so he grabbed his keys, threw his hood up over his face and walked the fifty minute walk to Prospect Park. By the time he got to the edge of the Centre Drive loop he spotted Steve leaning against one of Stark's convertibles by the tree edge. He was in the running gear he wore this morning with Sam (the argument happened just after they got back and the team were shipped out) and he was sweating again - the serum did make his metabolism stronger but Steve had ran over 35 miles today in pretty much one go. 

Steve knew that Bucky was close to him and turned round when Bucky was an arms length away. He didn't say anything, just watched as Bucky stuffed his hands in the pockets of the sweatshirt and eyed him curiously. 

"I'm not going to say sorry." Bucky said bluntly. 

Steve sighed and lent back against the car. "I know you're not."

Realizing that Steve wasn't going to either, Bucky groaned and tilted his head back making the hood fall down but he made no move to fix it. Steve looked over his shoulder as Bucky did this whole act. 

"Look," Bucky said, casting stern eyes on Steve. "I did nothing wrong but I understand where you're coming from." 

Steve opened his mouth to say something but Bucky just raised a hand to stop him. "Can I finish?" Steve nodded and Bucky ran a hand through his hair before continuing. 

"I understand where you're coming from," He repeated. "but you need to know that you're argument goes both ways. The second you step off of that quinjet you're  _also_ in danger Steve and it's not easy for me either; especially when you have a death wish the size of freaking America! I get it Steve, I do, you don't want to lose me and I don't want to lose you either but working with S.H.I.E.L.D isn't exactly the safest job in the world. But if it means that I get to be forgiven for the things I did for HYDRA then I'm willing to do it, and I'd be extremely grateful if you got on board with that."

"You're already forgiven-"

"No I'm not!" Bucky cried, covering his forehead with his hand and wiping it down his face quickly. " _You_ forgave me.  _Tony_ forgave me.  _The team_ forgave me but the  _world_ hasn't. As far as they're concerned I was the biggest threat eight fucking months ago Steve!"Bucky took a deep breath before dropping his voice back to a normal pitch. "I love you,"

Steve couldn't help but smile. 

"God I love you so much Steve, but I knew the second that you refused to fight me on that helicarrier that you had forgiven me for things that you still don't know that I've done. I'm lucky that the rest of the team have my back and that a hell of a lot of people are supportive of what I'm trying to do but the amount of people who still think I'm a threat are outweighing everyone who's on my side." Bucky took another deep breath, his eyes were pleading now. "I'm still not sure if I'm trying to show them that I'm a good person now, or if I'm trying to show  _myself_ that."

"I get that-" Steve started.

"Do you though?" Bucky interrupted again. "Because I'm not entirely convinced you do."

" _I do_." Steve emphasised, kicking of the car and standing right in front of Bucky. "I  _do_ get that Buck but you need to understand that I had to watch you flat line. Forget the two times I thought I lost you before, no, I got to watch you actually  _die_ with my own eyes. So sue me if I just want to make sure you don't quit on me out on the field."

Bucky stared up at Steve, hating Dr. Erskine at the moment for making Steve taller than him. "I never quit on you Stevie." He ground out. "And you want to know what my last thought was before I blacked out?"

Steve didn't answer so Bucky just jabbed a finger into Steve's chest.

" _You._ My last thought was ' _at least Steve's alive'_ and that was all that mattered to me at that moment in time. That  _you_ were breathing and that that alien hadn't gotten you as well."

Steve's eyes were wide now, staring at Bucky but he was still getting his point across. 

"And back in '43? When I fell? My last thought was ' _at least Steve's alive'._ And when you fell from the helicarrier in 2012? And I pulled you out the water? I stayed to make sure you were breathing, to make sure you were  _alive_ and I left because I knew you were going to be okay and the  _exact same bloody thought_ was going round my head for days! I never quit on you, even when I had no clue who were you damn well were! So if you think that I'm going to quit on you now of all bloody times - when I finally have my shot with you - then you can think again."

Steve looked away from Bucky's eyes which were boring into Steve's intensely after his speech. Steve honestly didn't know what to say, not after that. He sighed, looking at the wheels of Tony's car as if they were the most interesting thing in the world. 

"I'm not mad at you any more." Bucky's voice was back to quiet. It was barely a whisper but even after all those years apart Steve's instincts kicked in and he was completely entrained in what was coming out of Bucky's mouth. 

When Steve looked back at Bucky, Bucky was looking away; towards the empty park. "I never was mad at you," Bucky shrugged. "I was frustrated, yes, but I was more mad at myself than anything else."

"I'm sorry I stormed out." Steve finally managed to get out. "I just... needed a breather."

They were finally looking at each other now, eyes locked and their undivided attention on the other one. Taking his hands out of his pockets Bucky reached over and took Steve's hands in his own, pulling him closer. 

"I'm still not apologizing." Bucky whispered after a moment of silence. Steve chuckled against Bucky's shoulder and nodded.

"Knew that already Buck."

He felt Bucky smiled against his neck before a chaste kiss was placed on the skin there. "Ready to go home, or do you still need that breather?"

***

It took a whole night but Bucky was persistent and eventually got his way. Steve still wasn't completely happy about Bucky being out on field again, even if they were glued together out there, but Bucky had his ways of getting Steve to cave and they never disappointed. 

The rest of the team came back in the early afternoon the next day; the only damage done being a small scratch on Sam's wings that were then shipped over to Headquarters for re-modification. They were tired - even Stark who was always a bundle of energy (but this time he crashed on the sofa and refused to get up for anyone which was how Clint, Sam and Steve ended up sitting  _on top_ of him). Bucky and Nat were in the kitchen talking to each other in rapid Russian with Wanda just nodding along every once and again. Pietro was sprawled out on the floor, Xbox controller in hand as he played against Bruce who was surprisingly brilliant at COD. 

"Capes." Tony blurt out, trying to sit up but what with Clint sitting on his chest it proved harder than he would have wanted. 

Everyone, excluding the three in the kitchen, turned to give Tony identical expressions of confusion. "What?"

"Mjölnir." Tony said slowly, pointing at the hammer which is taking residence on the table beside Thor's feet. "I don't buy that whole 'whoever shall be worthy' crap. It's the capes for sure."

"Tony that-"

"Think about it." Tony interrupted. "Thor has a cape. Vision has a cape. They are the only two people here who are capable of picking it up therefore, it's the capes."

"Stark-" Thor started. "Whilst you make a good point, it's terrible and wrong."

"You just totally contradicted-"

"Test it on Barnes." Pietro paused the game and sat up. "He doesn't have a cape and he's the only one who hasn't tried to lift it yet."

Everyone castes eyes on Bucky. He had tuned out of Nat's and Wanda's conversation in favour of sitting at the counter and tapping away at his phone. The team knew that once he got focused on whatever he does on his phone, he won't look up for hours, no matter who tries to gain his attention. 

"Captain?" Thor turned to Steve who just shrugged.

"Go for it."

Thor sighed, pushing himself off of the armchair and swung the hammer up into his hand. The others followed him into the kitchen and, sure enough, Bucky didn't look up. Nat and Wanda looked at them curiously as Thor saddled up next to Bucky on the bar stool and cleared his throat.

"What's up" Bucky asked without tearing his eyes from the iPhone screen.

Thor held the hammer between them. "May you hold this for a second?"

Bucky just held out his hand. Thor, wincing slightly, placed the handle of the hammer in Bucky's open palm and then shot away quickly as Bucky tightened his fingers against the handle and-

_held_ _the hammer in the air._

The team's jaws were practically on the ground as Bucky casually held the hammer in the position Thor had given it to him - arm out straight, neither his arm or the hammer leaning against anything.

"You have to be  _shitting_ me right now!" Tony cried out suddenly. "What the actual fuck Barnes?"

Bucky looked up from the phone and towards Tony who slammed his hands down on the counter top and glared at Bucky darkly. "How?" Tony was practically nose to nose with Bucky at this point. 

"Tony," Bucky's voice was calm; the kind of calm that sent chills up people's spines. "Get the fuck out of my face before I beat your ass with a whisk." He plastered an innocent smile on his face and batted his eyelashes, putting on a whole show of being sweet but the threat did it and Tony instantly hid behind Steve who was trying his hardest not to laugh at everyone's expressions (yes, he's just as shocked but he kind of saw it coming).

Bucky finally looked at the hammer - casually still - before holding it out to Thor - who looks confused and slightly impressed. 

"Can you take it back now?" Bucky asked whilst turning his attention to his phone again. "My arm's starting to ache."

Thor looked uneasy as he took Mjölnir back from Bucky, watching as Bucky shook his arm a bit to loosen it up and then return to typing out a text. Tony started grumbling under his breath about something that no one could make out as he headed towards the elevator, hitting the button repeatedly. Slowly, and I mean really slowly, the others left too; mixtures of confusion and impressed faces exiting the kitchen one by one until it was just Bucky and Steve.

"You alright there Stevie?" Bucky put his phone into his pocket and grinned at his boyfriend who stood still on the opposite side of the counter. 

"How- when- what?!" 

Bucky stood up, stretching his arms over his head and yawning. "Thor keeps leaving it on top of my things. I didn't realize only certain people can lift it until I overheard Tony bitching about it to Barton." He finished with a shrug and then cast a gleaming grin at Steve. "And I heard  _you_ of all people can't lift it either."

" _It moved_!" Steve whined pathetically. "It actually  _moved_ and everyone knows that!"

Bucky pouted in mock sympathy. "Aw," Steve just glared at him. "is the wittle-bittle hammer picking on Captain America?"

"I hate you." Steve jabbed Bucky in the chest. "Should have let you go to bloody conventions for the whole of the 30s. Maybe I would have gotten away from you then and wouldn't need to deal with you now."

Bucky was still grinning away as he followed Steve out the door and up the stairs to their floor. "Shut it blondie, you love me."

"Unfortuantly."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter feels off to me. Lately I've had really bad writers block and this is honestly the best I could get.


	11. Bad Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> STEVE'S PERSPECTIVE  
> Bucky still gets Bad Days; days where getting out of bed is a war all on its own; days where the curtains will stay shut and the covers will be pulled up to Bucky's eyes; days where Steve knows not to force Bucky into anything. Today's a bad day which ends in a slightly good way.

_"It's okay to have a bad day. You don't have to smile. You don't have to be strong all the time. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. Sometimes you just need someone to understand that. It's okay." ~Unknown._

 

Steve knew it was a Bad Day when he came back from his run. Bucky would always text him at around 8AM, halfway through the loop at Prospect, and that was the signal that there was going to be a trip to  _Coffee Roast_ (the coffee shop around the corner from the Tower).

There was no text; but that was only the first clue. 

The second clue was the fact that Nat gave him a small nod when he walked through the elevator with Sam. It was the 'not-good' nod that only them two seemed to understand meant that Bucky wasn't going to be seen by the other team for at least 24 more hours. The third and final clue was the fact that when he shut the door to their bedroom after him, Steve was swamped in darkness. 

During his years at HYDRA, Bucky was isolated in dark rooms 24/7 and when S.H.I.E.L.D. allowed him to move into the Tower his and Steve's bedroom was always light. The huge curtains they had would remain open and Steve never complained because it helped Bucky in his recovery process. But seeing as today was a Bad Day, they had been pulled across the windows, not allowing even a hint of light inside. Steve could tell Nat did this herself because Bucky was curled up in the bed, covers tucked up to the edges of his eyes as he takes up as little room as his muscular body will allow. 

Bucky isn't asleep, but he also isn't awake. He has a knack at keeping his eyes shut and completely zoning out of the real world on Bad Days. Steve never knows what he thinks about, or sees or even feels during these days because they hardly exchange any words at all and when Bucky can actually get out of bed without feeling an anxiety attack coming up, Steve won't mention the Bad Day. 

He showered quickly, threw on some sweatpants and an old tee shirt with more holes in than he would like to count, before retrieving one of his sketchbooks and sitting down at the foot of the bed. He had picked up the Special Sketchbook; the one Bucky got him for Christmas in '42, with the picture of the Grand Canyon and the New York skyline from a couple days prior. Steve had only filled up around 35 of the 90 pages in the book and was determined to fill them up with pictures that were special to him. He had already drawn the team dozens of other times in other sketchbooks or loose bits of paper but he had yet to transfer any of them into the brown leather pad. 

So that's what he did. Propping his feet up by Bucky's thighs (or what he guessed was Bucky's thighs - the comforter was too big to actually tell) Steve set to work; moving the pencil around the paper as he drew the team. In the dead centre of the page was Nat, her eyes hard and set like Steve remembered her being on the last mission. In the left corner was Tony, with a pencil behind his ear and the look of deep concentration etched on his face. He drew Banner next to him, peering over Tony's shoulder like they were in the lab and working on God-knows-what. In the bottom left corner was Clint, with Lucky at his feet and then Sam was at the bottom right corner in mid-run. Vision and the twins were drawn on the top right corner, along with Maria Hill, Fury, Coulson and small doodles of Coulson's team (May, Daisy, Hunter and Bobbi - even if they are away at the moment - FitzSimmons, Mack, Lincoln.). It took him around an hour and a half to complete them all, and another forty minutes to add in shading. 

He turned the page and drew a faint line down the middle. He was going to draw Bucky now, from before the war and now. Stuck up on their headboards were dozens of pictures of the both of them (either together or separate) and Steve needed one of the war pictures of Bucky for this project. He crawled across the bed, lying out with his feet dangling from the bed and his head resting against Bucky's covered chest whilst he balanced the sketchbook on his thighs and searched the headboard for the one specific picture he wants. 

When he found it he tucked his feet upwards, creating a kind of easel with his thighs and then he started drawing. It took maybe three minutes for Bucky to shift and move his metal arm out from under the comforter, tangling fingers in corn silk hair, but his eyes remained shut when Steve turned his head. He reveled in the soft movements of Bucky's fingers as he continued to draw. Bucky's breath was rolling down the side of Steve's neck which was distracting Steve and calming him down both at the same time, but neither of them moved again for a while. 

By the time Steve finished the picture of War Bucky - time had completely slipped away from Steve - Bucky still hadn't moved but he did murmur something in his sleep a couple minutes before. It was in Russian, a language that Steve is completely useless at, and it seemed to be just one word. 

Steve whipped out his phone, flipping through his photo gallery until he found a picture of Bucky he knew he could draw. It was actually a picture of Bucky and Pietro from a couple weeks ago; arms round each other's shoulder as they laughed about something or other. Steve zoomed in on Bucky and bit his lip as he started to draw his boyfriend. 

He had figured out why drawing Bucky was always a challenge now a days. It's because Bucky had been through so much and all the emotion he had kept locked inside of him for seven decades was in his eyes and it was always tough to capture on paper. Steve had tried multiple times to get it right but it never worked out well, which only left him frustrated and in a very childish temper tantrum that usually resulted in Bucky laughing stupidly at him. 

Steve didn't need to check the time to know that it took ages for him to even  _like_ the drawing he had done. Steve had added in the small scars on Bucky's skin as he drew because they're apart of Bucky, literally unmoveable. The shading seemed off, Steve could sure as hell fix the way Bucky's arm sits in the picture and that  _fucking smile_ Steve drew wasn't Bucky's smile but he didn't have an eraser and he was getting frustrated so he just shut the book, slid it under the bed and huffed. 

Bucky muttered something in Russian again, voice muffled by the comforter, but he still leaned into Steve's hand when he peeled the covers away from Bucky's check and replaced it with his hand. Lying beside Bucky without even trying to get under the duvet, Steve kissed Bucky's forehead and closed his eyes, falling asleep himself for an hour or so. 

***   
When Steve woke up again he was under the covers, his cheek against Bucky's chest and Bucky's arms holding him. He wrapped his arms round Bucky gently, nestling his nose into the crook of Bucky's neck which earned a sigh, and peeked his eyes open to look at the curtains. They were designed by FitzSimmons to either completely block out the light or give in however much they want. Jarvis controls it all depending on their mood levels. Jarvis also knows when it's a Bad Day for Bucky, and was programmed to respond to Bucky only on these days (which Tony did without telling the others, which did cause some irritation a couple months ago). 

The curtains showed some light, enough to brighten up the place a bit, and enough for Steve to be able to see one of the wardrobe drawers was open slightly and a green tee shirt is poking out. 

This means that Bucky's mood must be getting better (Steve could tell by the curtains, not the green tee shirt). 

Bucky's breathing evened out into a half-asleep-half-awake rate and his arms tightened around Steve who shuffled up to sit with his back against the headboard; Bucky moved his head to rest it against Steve's abdomen, putting on a sleepy pout and squeezing his eyes shut. 

"You awake?" Steve asked gently, running fingers through Bucky's hair. Bucky's hair had always grown quickly and his mother had spent a lot of money for haircuts every other month to keep it from Bucky's eyes. At the moment Bucky's hair reaches around half-way down his neck and curls at the tips. Sometimes the length will irritate Bucky and he'll throw it up into a messy bun; other times he'll be sat in front of Nat who cuts it to the length he likes it. 

Bucky hummed, tilting his chin up and cracking one eye open. "M'tired." He mumbled, snuggling further into Steve's body and closing his eyes again. "Don't wanna get up." 

"You gotta eat." Steve reasoned, chuckling to himself when Bucky cautiously opened his eyes and looked at Steve tentatively. 

"Can I eat  _in_ bed?" 

"No." 

"Why not?"

"Cause every time you do you leave crumbs everywhere and I'd quite like a night with no crumbs getting under my shirt." 

" _But Stevie_!" Bucky whined, crawling up onto Steve's lap and pressing their noses together with an overly childish pout on his face and puppy dog eyes planted on his features. The same bloody look that gets Steve's heart going haywire because he looks  _damn good_ doing it. "I wanna eat, but I wanna stay in bed."

Steve kept the deadpan expression on his face as he stared back at Bucky. "Well life sucks for you, huh?"

"Pretty sure the whole point of me living  _here_ is to make it better." Bucky squinted his eyes at Steve. "And pretty sure  _you're_ supposed to  _help_ make it better too. Are you really going to deprive your boyfriend of the chance of recovery Steve?"

Oh he went there.

"Yes." And apparently Steve wasn't cracking any time soon. "Yes I am. Now get off, you're crushing me."

Bucky continued to glare at Steve for a couple more minutes in which Steve responded by resting his head back against the wooden headboard and smirking slightly. 

"I fucking hate you Rogers." Bucky eventually caved, throwing the blankets off from where they were wrapped round his shoulders, and rolling off the bed. "I really have no clue why I even stick around."

"Comic relief?" Steve suggested, following Bucky out the door and down the glass stairs towards the kitchen.

"That would imply you're funny." Bucky turned his chin to look at Steve over his shoulder. "And you don't like it when I lie to you."

So the Bad Day's over then...


	12. For the Life of Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missions are always dangerous. People get hurt and when people do, scars get left on hearts. Steve didn't think that it would happen... he didn't want it to happen. And now they're back to square 1: Find Bucky Barnes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to one of my really close friends for reading through this chapter and giving me pointers. She watched Civil War a couple days before me and, bless her, helped me make the characters in this book like the ones in the movie without spoiling anything for me.  
> 

 

_"To the end of the line." ~ Steven Grant Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes_

 

After five months of Bucky being discharged from the hospital he was back on a battlefield. It was a normal 'get-in-and-out-with-what-we-need' kind of mission. Bucky had the entire mission under control for the three days that he was working solo; then Nat was supposed to stay on the sidelines and keep an eye out just in case. Four days in, however, Bucky couldn't be tracked.

***

"What do you mean he's missing?" Steve's pissed and scared out of his mind at the same time, but he's glaring at Coulson with such intensity that even The Hulk would be afraid of him. 

Coulson, though, was standing straight and collected in front of Steve; blank faced and completely calm. "Captain-"

"Don't." Steve interrupted, shrugging off Clint's hand from his elbow. "He's got a tracker! He had back up, he had  _weapons_. Where the  _fuck_ is Bucky?"

"Steve." Clint tried pulling him away again.

Coulson, still completely calm, opened his mouth. "Captain Rogers, I need you to calm down." Steve tried to snap back but Coulson was quick to hold up his hand and shush him. "This wouldn't be the first time either of you went into stealth mode to finish a mission and you of all people should no that means no contact until  _they_ have everything under control."

"He would have given Natasha a heads up and you know that." Steve ground out.

"He would-" Coulson was again uninterrupted as Nat burst into the room; still in uniform and looking beyond pissed. She marched towards Coulson and shoved Coulson in his chest roughly so he rocked back on his heels. 

"You son of a bitch!" She nearly screamed. "You  _knew_! You fucking well knew that they were there! You said everything was going to be  _fine_!" 

Clint abandoned Steve to hold Nat back, hugging her waist to his chest and fighting to keep her restrained. 

"Coulson what the hell is she on about?!" Clint was struggling, gripping his girlfriend tight but she continued to kick and punch in his arms. 

"Phil." May, who had been on gaurd since Steve had practically ripped the door of its hinges and pinned Coulson to the wall.

Coulson didn't look at her, but down at the folder in his hands. "Three days ago we picked up some heat signatures from the Grand Royel." 

Steve swallowed and carried on glaring at Coulson, wavering slightly at the name of the building Bucky was stationed in.

"We knew that they weren't our own agents," Coulson continued before looking up. "Yesterday they disappeared and Barnes' tracking device was cut off round about that time as well."

"So he's been missing for a whole  _day_!" It wasn't a question, and this time it came from Tony. "A member of our team has been missing for 24 hours and you're only telling us now?"

"We thought he was in stealth mode." Coulson nodded towards one of the tech guys. He looks around 18 and quite frankly terrified at the way there is now a whole team of the Avengers glaring and looking ready to kill. He tapped away at his keyboard quickly. Coulson continued. "It wasn't until we got this picture fifty minutes ago that we knew it wasn't what we thought it was.

The picture that was brought up on all the screens around the room made Steve's heart stop.

***

It's cold again. Despite the serum in Bucky's body, he can feel the cold seeping through his entire body and his heart is working overtime to try and pump warm blood but to no avail.

The restraints on his wrists, legs and waist are heavy steel, digging into his skin and keeping him stuck in place. 

And it's dark. 

Bucky already knows where he is, he can hear the creaking of old machinery and the sickening feeling of being under someone else's control. His hands tighten around the edges of the cryo seat, his muscles straining against his uniform as he tries to get out of the seat but he can't and those  _words_ that someone keeps saying is digging into the Winter Soldier part of his brain, trying to dig him out. 

The last word had him going limp, his eyes snapping open and his mind going foggy again. A pair of cold brown eyes came into his line of view before his restraints were out of the way and he was dragged to his feet. 

"Soldier?" 

The Winter Soldier looked up. "Ready to comply."

***

"Everyone understand?" Mack looked at everyone's response to the instructions Fury gave them. Steve and Nat, both straddling a pair of motorcycles by the drop zone, just nodded and carried on clipping the rest of their uniform into place. 

May and Clint were up at the front of the quinjet, flying the plane as fast as they could to the coordinates that the teenage tech managed to get them. Bucky had been taken 28 hours ago and God knows what they've done to him but Steve is hoping for some kind of happy ending here. 

"Hey," Clint stood in front of both of the bikes, his hands on the handles and a solemn look on his face. "I know you two want to find him in one piece, but stay safe okay? Don't do anything that will get you guys killed. Please."

Steve, who hasn't been able to say a word since they saw that bloody picture, gave Clint a knowing look and nodded before bringing the bike alive; the engine roaring through the jet. 

"You'll be on the comms?" Nat asked, putting her hand over Clint's. Clint turned his hand up and entwined their fingers like it was just a natural instinct. He nodded, gulping and then bending down to kiss her temple. 

"I'll be on the comms and watching both of you okay?" He squeezed her hand. "And when I think you need it, I'll be right beside you."

He stepped back and gave them both a reassuring smile. "Ready?"

Steve and Nat looked at each and nodded, kicking the bikes' stands off of the ground. Clint pushed the 'open-door' button and watched as they both drove out of the plane and landed easily in the snow, before the were zooming out of his vision at full speed.

***

The Winter Soldier saw them before they saw him. He was stood at one end of the corridor, two guns in his weapon belt alongside three knives, and a MP5A3 on his back, a M4A1 fitted with an M203PI grenade launcher in his hand. He's mask-less, the only protection on him is the built in bullet proof vest in his uniform but even if he didn't have that he's pretty much unkillable. 

Steve and Natasha stand on the other side of the corridor; Nat holding up a pistol aimed at the Soldier and Steve blocking their stomach areas with the shield. They're walking tentatively towards him, but the Soldier's standing his ground. 

"Bucky?" Nat said slowly. Nothing happened. Nat and Steve exchanged a look before Nat fell back and Steve carried on walking forward slowly. 

"Buck." He said quietly, catching the way the Soldier twitched and he knew that Bucky was inside him fighting to overpower whatever they did to him. "Come back to me baby."

"Shut up." The Soldier hissed, angry now. 

"Bucky-"

"Shut. Up!" He sent a kick to Steve's shield and Steve was thrown back, knocking into Nat and sending them both to the floor. 

Steve saw the Soldier advancing quickly. "Nat, get Clint over here. Try and find out what they did to him."

Nat didn't need to be told twice. She scrambled up and was gone as quickly as Steve blinked. He staggered to his feet and faced Bucky, only to be punched in the jaw and sent back to the floor. 

"Bucky." Steve spat out blood. "Bucky, come on, it's  _me_."

He ducked out of the way of a knife before jumping up and blocking another kick. He aimed a punch and kick himself, getting Bucky to back into a wall. "Come on baby, come back to me. Please."

There was a split second of hesitation before Bucky growled and shoved Steve away. "Get out of my head." He aimed the gun at Steve, firing twice; one of the bullets grazing Steve's arm and tearing the uniform, the second only just missing his helmet. 

Steve threw his shield, and they started fighting again. Steve knew Bucky's fighting style in and out like the palm of his hand, so for every move The Soldier did Steve managed to block it. However, The Soldier also knew Steve's style. 

" _Bucky_." Steve ground his teeth as a sharp pain ran up his thigh. The Soldier has him pinned to the floor; his metal fingers wrapped round Steve's neck and his knee cap digging into Steve's right thigh. "I'm your best friend."

The Soldier tightened his hold.

"You were part of the Howling Commandos." Steve pushed at the metal arm, feeling his lungs start to give way. "You were on of the best fighters in the war."

The Soldier pressed his knee cap further into Steve's thigh and Steve bit back a cry of pain. "They were going to five you a medal of Honour but you fell before they could. You're a war hero."

It didn't work. Steve could feel everything turn black, but he  _needed_ Bucky to fight the Soldier and come back to him. The Soldier's face was blurring in Steve's eyes as he gasped for a breath. He whispered: "You love me." Before he couldn't keep his eyes open any more.

Everything went black and he was unconscious before he could feel fingers loosen around his pulse. 

***

Bucky's eyes were red and wet, his cheeks stained with tears and his heart aching like it's ready to break.

"Come  _on_ Steve!" He dropped his mouth to Steve's again, tilting Steve's chin up and then sitting up again to try and get oxygen into Steve's system.

His hearing was enhanced with the serum, so he can hear Nat yelling for Clint even though he can sense they're still a mile or so away from them in a maze of corridors and doors that don't lead to anywhere. 

Bucky's full on crying now as he performs CPR onto Steve. He had snapped out of the Soldier only to find his metal hand wringing Steve's life away from him. He saw Steve's eyes half open but no life in them; the usually bright blue in his eyes now completely dull and hooded. 

" _Stevie_." Bucky choked back a sob as Steve gasped and squeezed his eyes shut. He went limp again, unconscious again, but breathing now and Bucky dropped his forehead to Steve's chest. He heard Nat's footsteps racing down a corridor not far from them and he went into panic mode again. 

If they find out that Bucky had practically killed Steve then they would sure as hell hate him. Fuck it,  _Bucky hates himself._ He had promised Steve he would never hurt him, not if he could help it, and he had just taken Steve's life. It doesn't matter if he brought him back, he would never have had to do it if he hadn't been more careful on that fucking mission.

Bucky planted a chaste kiss to Steve's cheek. "Forgive me." He whispered, nestling his cheek against Steve's; Steve's breath rolling down his neck. "I love you Stevie."

Bucky jumped up and ran. He was out, on one of the SHIELD bikes that the Soldier saw Nat and Steve come here on, and gunning it away from the base before he could register what he was doing. But, even though he knew he had to leave, he still stopped the bike three miles away from the base, hidden in the trees and turned it round so he could look as Nat raced out of the doors and started the quinjet engine. Clint was then in the picture, carrying a limp Steve Rogers in his arms as he disappeared into the cargo of the jet and then they were in the air before the door had even shut properly.

***

"Any nausea?"

"No."

"Dizziness?"

"No."

"Sensitivity to light?"

"Only when it gets shone in my eyes." Steve says drily. 

The SHIELD nurse looks at him seriously and sighs. "Captain Rogers this is serious. You could have been killed."

"He wouldn't kill me." Steve said automatically. "And besides, I'm alive now aren't I?"

Steve was found unconscious in the HYDRA base. Nat found him, Clint on her heels. He was practically unharmed except for the bruises on his face and the graze on his arm. His heart was beating regularly and the doctors managed to figure out that someone had gone through CPR on his unconscious body but Clint and Nat hadn't done it. 

"You were found  _barely_ alive." The nurse jotted something down on a clipboard before handing it to an assistant and ushering them out of the room. "You should be recovered in a day or so but until then make sure you stay hydrated and you need to eat. No more missions until Dr. Banner says so, understood?"

Steve nodded, pushing himself from the hospital bed as he did so. He's still in his uniform which is torn and bloody and he's in desperate need of a shower but Bucky's still missing. 

Sam Wilson was waiting on the ground floor of the Tower for him fifteen minutes later, when Steve pulls the car up in the garage. Sam doesn't say anything, just wraps an arm around his shoulder and directs them to the elevator. As they rode up Sam hands Steve a tablet with a black and white map showing a red dot over by Idaho. 

"What's this?"

"Those bikes you and Nat used had trackers in them." Sam explained as the doors opened to the office space in the Tower. "Apparently they all get activated when the engines turn on. That dot," He nodded to the tablet as he lent against one of the tables and crossed his arms over his chest. "is the tracker for the bike you used. Wanda's been using Stark's new equipment to track it since it was reactivated, around five minutes before we found you. Pietro's getting ready to go for a run to Idaho."

Steve opened his mouth but Sam put his hand up and interrupted. "You're not going. Silver's going to see if he can find the bike and then he's coming straight back with the location. We all know about The Soldier now and we don't know what you said but you managed to break Bucky out of it somehow if he performed CPR on you. No one  _except_ you is going to go to him when we find his location, got it?"

"Yeah, got it." Steve didn't know what to think. His brain is so messed up at the moment he can't tell what direction is right and which is left. "Just... the  _second_ Pietro gets back-"

"His been told not to report to anyone but you." Sam nodded. "We won't know where Bucky is until you're already there and by that time no one will be able to go in for back up."

It's a precaution and Steve knows that. They did it like this, Sam and Steve, when they were looking for Bucky two years ago before he surrendered. One person goes in, no more than that. They can't overwhelm him and if Steve  _had_ been the one to break Bucky out of the Winter Soldier then he'll be able to bring Bucky back as safely as possible. 

"Okay." Steve nodded. "Let's do this."

***

 

It took just two and a half hours from the moment Pietro raced out the doors for him to be back in the Tower again. He didn't even break a sweat; sure he was panting and in need of a drink but still.

Steve had showered and then been told to get back into uniform. Five minutes after he did the last strap on his boots, Pietro was up on his and Bucky's floor with a slight grin on his face. 

"Found him." Pietro panted, then nearly fell to the floor. Steve caught him before he could though and propped the teenager up against his side, handing him a water bottle from the stand beside them. 

"You okay?"

Pietro gulped down the entire bottle and nodded, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "Jesus Christ I don't think I've ran that far that quickly before." After he caught his breath he could stand on his own. "Idaho, 1156 Down Road." He lent against the door frame and sighed. "Bucky's there. He'd ditched the bike about fifty miles before that though, and I don't think he saw me. Just be careful."

Steve nodded, squeezing his shoulder. "I always am, thanks kid."

***

Bucky was a wreck. He was curled up in the corner of a dark room. He was frustrated because he has no more tears left to cry but his body's not done yet. It's like his body is punishing him from what he did to Steve. 

It would be less painful to die at this point.

He can't even stomach to look at his arm. He feels like a monster. Right now, he'd let anyone kill him. He'd not blame Steve if he never found him, he deserved it. 

Bucky, for the life of him, couldn't see why Steve would ever want him back again. He's convinced they've reached the end of the line this time. There's no doubt about it. No more Steve and Bucky.

He tugged at his hair and gave out a strangled sob. "There's nothing  _left_!" He cried out. His body is either trying to cry or choke Bucky, he can't tell but he's making gagging sounds when tears don't flow and he's having a full panic attack because he can't breathe, can't try and control it. 

Everything around him went quiet, it went darker than it should be and Bucky swears he's hallucinating when he says the front door gave way but he's clutching at his chest and trying to breathe rapidly to even look. 

"Bucky!" Steve slid to his knees in front of Bucky and pulled his hands away from his chest. It had taken him an hour to fly over on the jet and for the entire flight he wished it would go faster but he was already going beyond the fastest that the engineers thought it could go. 

S.H.I.E.L.D needs new engineers.

"Bucky- Bucky look at me!" Steve dropped the shield onto the floor and used his hands to cup Bucky's cheeks and force him to look at him. Bucky's eyes were blown wide, his face was pale and he's alternating between gagging and inhaling roughly but he's not breathing properly. Steve's panicking now, pushing the button on the bottom of the S.H.I.E.L.D that alerts Sam when he gets to Bucky before he turned back to the brunette and pulled his legs out so he wasn't curled up. 

"Bucky, baby, look at me." Steve changed his tone from panicked to soft, using his fingers to tuck them under Bucky's chin and press their foreheads together. "Breathe with me, okay? Focus on me."

Whether Bucky could hear him or not was a mystery but he still lowered his breathing into a calming rate and kept his eyes locked with Bucky's. He did the breathing exercise they did whenever Bucky have a panic or anxiety attack and within a minute or so Bucky caught on. He pressed his hands to Steve's thighs and soon his breathing was only ragged and panting. 

"Steve?" Bucky squeezed his eyes shut, a tear slipping down his cheek that Steve's thumb chased. 

Steve pressed a kiss to Bucky's forehead and pulled him into his chest. "Yeah, Buck, it's me. I'm okay, I promise. You didn't hurt me." Bucky burrowed his forehead into Steve's shoulder and sobbed, soaking Steve's uniform in the process. 

"I- my hand- you stopped- oh my god,  _I killed you Steve_." Bucky finally managed to get out. "I killed you!" He sobbed, breaking down all over again. 

Steve threw his helmet off and lowered himself down onto the back of his thighs so he could pull Bucky further into his body. "And you brought me back again. It's okay Bucky, that wasn't you, it's okay."

Bucky shook his head. "No it's not-"

"Shut up." Steve pulled away and cupped Bucky's tear streaken face in his hands. "I'm right here. Not going anywhere. I don't blame you for what happened and Stark's already tracking down the bastards that did this to you. Nat and Clint are worried sick, so are the rest of the team. Whatever happened baby, no one blames you for anything."

Bucky closed his eyes again and took a couple deep breaths. "I'm so sorry."

Steve kissed the corner of his mouth. "It's okay."

"I love you." Bucky twisted Steve's uniform between his fingers like he's trying to pull Steve even closer. "I love you so fucking much Stevie and I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't."

"But I did!" Bucky argued. "I'm unstable, erratic. I'm going to hurt someone again and there's nothing you can do to stop if, whether either of us like it or not."

"No, there's not." Steve agreed making Bucky open his eyes and stare at Steve. "I can't stop it, hell I might not even be able to see it coming but you need to understand that I will always be five steps ahead of you. Every punch, every kick, every move you do I'll block it 'cause those will be the same moves I would do and I know that if you were in my position, you'd do the exact same thing. And you have a whole team at home that will stop at nothing to protect you, to help you get better. We just want you home."

Bucky didn't know what to say. He swallowed and held onto Steve desperately. "They're not angry with me?"

"You brought me back Bucky." Steve whispered. "None of them are mad at you for what The Soldier did. The only thing that matters is that you managed to snap out of it quick enough to be able to bring me back."

Bucky kissed Steve this time, long and hard, with everything he had. 

***

It was dark when they got to the Avengers facility in Up State, New York. Bucky had stripped himself of the jacket of his uniform, leaving him in a thin tee shirt, and he tied his jacket around his waist. The quinjet landed on the landing strip, and by the time Bucky and Steve were halfway down the ramp, Wanda was rushing out of the building towards them. 

She threw herself into Bucky's arms, clutching onto the back of his tee shirt and burrowing her face into his neck as he hugged her tightly back. Wanda kept whispering 'oh my god' over and over again before she pulled back and smiled widely. 

"You're okay, yes?" She asked, putting her hand against his cheek. The look Steve gave them told Bucky she had spoken in Russian. 

"Yes," Bucky nodded back in Russian. "I'm okay Wanda."

They smiled at each other again before she hugged tightly, not seeming to want to let go at all. Bucky saw over her shoulder that Nat and the rest of the team had only just seen them and were rushing out of the building also, and Steve gave Bucky a smile that read 'told-you'. 

Bucky didn't care that he was feeling slightly trapped when everyone circled him and started asking questions like 'are you okay?' 'where'd you go?' or comments like 'we're so glad you're okay Bucky' 'don't run off like that again' and 'we were worried sick'. Bucky just squeezed Steve's hand and let himself smile. 

***

His recovery wasn't going to be quick and it took weeks for him to be able to be in the same room alone with just Steve and himself. He didn't trust himself and he didn't trust that Steve wouldn't try and stop him. Steve had made it clear multiple times that he won't fight Bucky unless absolutely needing to, and even then he'll try and talk Bucky out of it but like last time it didn't work. 

He eventually got there though. He could sleep in the same bed as Steve again and wouldn't flinch when Steve rolled over in his sleep and snuggled into Bucky. He could sit down and watch TV again, pressed up against Steve like they used to. 

And, much to Tony's disappointment, his sarcasm came back at least three times stronger.

Hey, Bucky needs  _something_ to do when he's recovering and he's discovered that if you hang around in his lab with the Iron Man mask on it really gets on his nerves, especially when Jarvis will only respond to the person wearing the mask...

 


	13. Monroe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky had completely forgotten about Bucky's "thanks for not dying" party a couple months ago and, more importantly, the whole "who's Monroe" incident. That was, until Meredith rings them up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the last update I needed some Jealous!Steve as well as Stucky fluff to make up for it (especially because my sister wasn't that happy with me after I split those two up again)

_"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see worth." ~ Unknown_

 

Bucky was not happy at the interruption that came in the form of his ringing phone. He was not happy at all.

Usually he would be happy to talk to anything about anything, but he was in the middle of a very enjoyable kiss with Steve when his phone started vibrating violently against the wooden night-stand. He had ignored it the first time; pulling Steve back down as well and they were both distracted again up until it rang  _again_ not two minutes after it went through to voice mail. 

Steve rolled off Bucky and nudged him towards the phone. "Just answer it Buck."

He groaned and stomped his foot on the floor when he sat up just to show he wasn't happy, but all Steve did was chuckle at Bucky and throw a pillow at his back. 

"James, did I interrupt?" Meredith didn't even let him say 'hello'. 

Bucky fought back the urge to say yes and hang up. Instead he replied with a sweet: "Not at all". 

"Great." The old woman seemed to be moving around on the other end of the line. "I'm on my way to the bus station now, are you two ready?"

"For what?" Bucky rubbed his eye with the ball of his right hand as he pillowed his head in Steve's lap. His boyfriend, bless him, instantly threaded his fingers into Bucky's hair and mouthed ' _who is it_ '.

' _Meredith_ ' Bucky mouthed back making Steve nod and turn his attention to playing with Bucky's hair.

"I told you last week James," Meredith replied. "I scheduled for you, Steve and I to go and visit Monroe today. Honestly boy, I thought you would have remembered."

Bucky bit down a groan, instead he rolled over and buried his face into Steve's abdomen. His voice only came out slightly muffled when he replied. "I'm sorry. We're on our way, just give me your address. Like hell are you gonna take a bus."

***

Twenty minutes later saw Bucky parking the sleek black Range Rover (that he 'burrowed' from Tony) outside Meredith's apartment complex. Meredith was already waiting outside, a brown handbag hanging in her hand and a cigarette in between her two fingers. She dubbed it out in one of the bins by the front door and made her way towards the car as Bucky got out and met her halfway, arms outstretch for a hug. 

After the hug she pulled back, holding him at arms length as she assessed what he was wearing. He was in black jeans, a white tee shirt and a dark navy button up he snatched from the fresh laundry pile. He's pretty sure it belongs to Clint because of the way it stretched as he put it on; because of that he can't do the buttons up and they're left unbuttoned. Bucky knows Meredith is a perfectionist when it comes to clothes, so he also chucked on a dark gray jacket she got him a month or so ago that she really likes. 

"You clean up nicely." Meredith approved, patting his cheek. "How are you feeling? The last time I saw you you were as white as a sheet and could barely walk without acting like you had just been shot!"

"I was effectively  _torn open_." Bucky arched an eyebrow. "But other than that I feel great, thanks. How are you?"

The elderly woman held onto his arm as he led her to the backseat and opened the door for here. "I'm great darling. Hello Steven." She directed his attention to the blond in the front seat. Steve turned round in his seat belt and let her squeeze his hand as he smiled at her. 

"Hello Meredith, feeling alright I hope. You look amazing, by the way." 

Bucky mouthed 'suck up' at his boyfriend over Meredith's shoulder before shutting the door and climbing into the seat behind the wheel. 

"Where am I going?" He asked, starting the engine and backing out of the complex's parking lot. 

Meredith was rummaging in her bag as she answered. "That small café on 7th." 

"Isn't that a bit fancy for Monroe?" Bucky muttered quietly but still got a kick to the back of his seat. 

"Be nice James." Meredith tutted. "He's not in such a good condition, had to move into a care home you know? His carer set up the date actually, and she's only a small thing. Barely 25 and thinks that some tea and biscuits is what every elderly person enjoys." She rolled her eyes. "Not that you two look a day over 28 yourselves."

"I was 24 when I got the serum." Bucky pointed out. "And Steve was 23 when he went into the ice. So we should look  _younger_ than 28 hopefully."

"Oh no, Steven looks young still; you on the other hand darling..." Meredith silenced out with a shake of her head and Steve burst out laughing at the look of up most betrayal on Bucky's face as he looked at the elderly woman in the rear-view mirror.

"Aw!" Steve laughed, taking Bucky's hand in both of his and kissing his knuckles. "You still look  _very_ pretty to me,  _James._ "

"Shut it Rogers." Bucky glared at him. "You only look good 'cause of a 70 year nap."

Steve just grinned boyishly at him. "Come on, I looked good even before the serum. Admit it, you've always had a thing for me."

Bucky rolled his eyes. "I hate you."

"We're here by the way." Steve just laughed. Bucky drove into one of the three parking spaces outside the small, old-looking tea shop and helped Meredith out. The café looked like it was decorated to look old, and the inside was just a mess of mixed-match furniture, with a couple print out pictures on the wall and a bunch of pastries on display in the glass casings by the ordering station. 

Bucky felt Steve slip his hand into one of Bucky's, and he squeezed it in return before they both stepped over the threshold. They were instantly attacked by the smell of tea, apple and cinnamon. Bucky fought back the urge to cough because Meredith had paused in front of them and seemed to be enjoying the smell. 

"I do love the smell of apple and cinnamon." She said almost dreamily. "Could do without the tea smell though, I'm not that into it."

"Peggy would deck her." Bucky mumbled to Steve, who just pursed his lips and shook his head; obviously amused. 

There was a college student sitting at a small table by one of the windows, furiously writing an essay on lined paper whilst a couple were sat in a booth on the other side of the room. In the centre of the café, though, sat a gray haired, slightly wrinkled man who was stirring his tea absent-mindedly. He caught sight of Meredith and stretched his thin lips up into a slight smile. 

But when he caught sight of Bucky he narrowed his eyes dangerously. Meredith went ahead and distracted him, whilst Bucky and Steve hung back a couple steps. 

"You still worried about him?" Bucky grunted. 

"Nope." Steve shook his head and turned to grin at his boyfriend. "He hates you, got no competition here."

***

Steve may not have had any competition, but he was still feeling a little bit jealous halfway through their meeting. Bucky had kept their hands joined for the entire time, no matter what, and Steve was grateful but he had been expecting Monroe to be positively hating Bucky after the whole "I'm-going-kill-you" eyes he had given Bucky not twenty minutes ago. 

But no, Monroe seemed to have forgotten about that and was now recounting all of their "great-times-together-in-Italy" and Steve was jealous, pissed and ready to leave. Bucky was sat with his body pressed against Steve's (the table was fit for three people, so Steve and Bucky were sat with their chairs pretty much on top of each other) and he's been squeezing Steve's hand tightly for the past three minutes. 

"I want to go." Bucky lent over to discreetly whisper into Steve's ear. "I hate this."

"If you can find a way for us to leave then I'm ready to go." Steve replied. 

Bucky glanced at Steve from the corner of his eye with a slight smirk on his face. "You're forgetting who you're talking too."

As if on queue, Steve's phone rang on the tabletop. Natasha's name and picture lit up the screen, directing everyone's attention to his phone. 

"Hey Nat." Steve answered it, leaning back in his chair slightly. 

"Bucky texted me, says I need to get you out of there." Nat explained. "So, tell Bucky Pietro's been hurt and Clint had to fly them over to the facility. Ask me how he's doing."

"Is he okay? What happened?" Steve nudged Bucky's elbow, putting on a worried face but thanking God that Nat's getting them out of here. 

"Nice acting, now get back over here."

"Right yeah, we're on our way. Thanks Nat." He hung up and turned to his boyfriend. "Pietro's been hurt, Clint flew them over to the facility. We gotta go."

Bucky, forever a better liar than Steve, turned to Meredith and plastered a fake 'I-am-so-sorry' smile. "Sorry, we gotta go."

"Yes, yes, what happened?" Meredith looks genuinely concerned.

"One of our team members was training and..." Steve winced. "Something snapped in his leg and he can't walk."

"I hope he gets better soon." Meredith signaled for them to go. "Go, go! I'll call my daughter to pick me up. Don't worry, just go."

Ten minutes later Bucky was climbing out of the car in the Tower's underground parking lot. Steve met him by the door to the elevator and pushed the button. Bucky lent against him and sighed into his shoulder. 

"I hate him." 

Steve didn't say anything, just wrapped his arms around Bucky and smiled smugly. 

"Don't do that face." Bucky grunted. "I fucking knew you hated him too."

"I didn't  _hate_ him."

Bucky pulled away and looked hardly at Steve. "You're right," Steve looked surprised. "You were  _jealous_."

"I was not!" Steve exclaimed, letting Bucky drag him by the hand into the elevator before punching their floor number into the elevator and turning to narrow his eyes at the brunette who was leaning against the mirrored wall and smirking at him. 

"There's nothing to be jealous about baby." Bucky said innocently, taking Steve's hands and holding them between them. "I'm all yours."

To prove his point Bucky tilted his head to the side and tugged at the collar of his tee shirt - pulling it down to show a big, purple Hickey on his collarbone that Steve had left him this morning. Bucky had, in return, left a couple dozen or so around Steve's body too: on his chest, his abdomen, his hip. All over.

"Damn right you are." Steve muttered, diving down for a kiss. 

Bucky chuckled, moving his fingers round to the back of Steve's neck. "You're a punk Stevie."

"Jerk."


	14. Sleep Now, Sex Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's staying out of missions for a while after the last one. Steve's been away for three months on a high-security risk mission that means no communication what so ever. Bucky gets a pleasant surprise in the middle of the night.

_"Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is true power." ~Lao Tzu_

 

 

 

_"You really got to go?"_

_"Yeah baby, I'll be safe. I'll come back breathing, I promise._

_"You better otherwise I'm going to resuscitate you just to kill you myself."_

_"I love you more Buck."_

***

Steve left three months ago. This isn't a Hydra mission. This isn't a rouge Inhuman mission either. This is a high-security risk mission that means no communication what so ever. This means no reassurance that Steve's doing alright, that he's still alive. Fury doesn't even get updates from him. 

What makes this worse is that it's a solo mission. The rest of the team are here. No one's watching Steve's six; no one has his back covered; no one will know if he's dead until Jarvis loses signal with his heart monitor. If his heartbeat  _does_ stop it will take a total of four days to get back to the Tower's satellites. Of course the monitor shows his heartbeat at all times. 

Bucky's been watching it for the past two and a half hours with such intensity that Tony had to force him to step out of the lab and take a breather. Steve's heartbeat had gone haywire fifty minutes ago and Bucky knew that beating pattern; it's the pattern of being caught in a crossfire and having the adrenaline in your body force you into action. Bucky knows this happened four days ago, that Steve's fine now because Jarvis is keeping him updated on everything but it doesn't stop him from sitting on the edge of his seat and biting his thumb nail. 

His seat being the holatable in Tony's lab. 

Bucky didn't look up as the doors slid open and then closed again, but he did turn to look at Wanda when she put her hand on his thigh and jumped up beside him. She took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

"Your boy's fine Bucky." She reassured him.

Bucky sighed and turned back to the monitor. "I know." He nodded and then groaned. "It's just... he's  _alone_ and I know that with the serum he's practically indestructible but I remember living in Brooklyn and having to check every alley I walked past just in case he's in there getting his ass kicked. It's... an instinct I guess, to watch out for him and this time I can't."

"I know." Wanda nodded, her voice laced with her Slovakian accent. "You want to protect him."

He sighed. "It's more than that though. Most of my memories are currently Steve being big - being 'Captain America'. But I have a ton of memories of Steve being small enough to break in half the second the wind changed direction. I'm used to being beside him out there and I'm freaking out over here."

"I know." Wanda repeated. "But I  _also_ know that Steve will come back in one piece."

The doors slid open again, causing both of them to turn their heads over their shoulders. Vision - who was still getting used to going through actual doors and not just through walls - stood in the frame looking like he was speculating whether or not now was a good time to interrupt.

"Hey Vis." Wanda smiled at him, knocking him out of whatever internal debate he was having. 

"Hello Wanda, Bucky." He nodded in Bucky's direction who, in return, smiled at him and then turned back to the monitor. He heard Vision mention 'training' and 'Nat' when he talked to Wanda but he wasn't exactly paying attention. Steve's heartbeat on the monitor was calm, the steady beat of him asleep or just lying down. 

Wanda turned back to Bucky, squeezed his hand and lent across to kiss his cheek. "Увидимся позже Домовой, не бейте себя хорошо?"

Bucky waved his hand in response, nodding slightly but never tearing his eyes off of the screen as Wanda left with Vision on her heels. He heard their conversation slip away as they turned a corner towards the elevator before he was alone again. 

Tony had been called out to LA for a conference with some college students this morning which left Bucky to his own devices in the lab. He had already set up small little pranks, like taking out the screws from certain drawers and then moving everything three inches to the right. It was petty, he knows, but hearing a loud crash and then Tony screaming death threats to Bucky always brightens his day. 

***

It was around 11:30 at night when Bucky eventually left the lab for the day. He had made sure to eat and drink whenever he needed it, and even let Nat pull him away from the monitor long enough to cut his hair again that had slowly been growing to the bottom of his neck. It's short and light again, bouncing back into position whenever he runs a hand through it. 

He collapsed into bed at around quarter to 12 and was fast asleep within minutes. He couldn't, for the life of him, recall what he was dreaming about; or even if it was a good dream. 

But he could tell you exactly what went through him when he woke up to the door shutting, a bag hitting the floor and then the bed dipping as an arm slung itself around his waist. The warm touch made Bucky instinctively relax straight away and it took Bucky an embarrassingly long amount of time to figure out it was  _Steve_ lying in bed beside him. 

He shot up, spinning round to see Steve who looks a little worse for wear. He's bruised on his forehead, cut by his ear and there are dark shadows under his eyes from where he hasn't gotten a lot of sleep. Steve groaned at the sudden movement and raised a finger to his lips lazily, shushing Bucky before he got a chance to form a sentence. 

"Sh," He whined, reaching out and drawing Bucky into his chest. "Sleep now, sex later."

Bucky rolled his eyes but grinned into Steve's neck anyway. "I missed you Stevie."

A chaste kiss was laid on the space just below above his ear. "I missed you too Buck."


	15. Metal Arms Are Great Ice Packs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Steve's mission all he wants to do is sleep for another seventy years but everything hurts too much to even close his eyes peacefully...

_"When we give in the world what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us." ~Eve Ensler_

 

Everything hurt in Steve's body and no amount of serum could make the healing process quicker. After getting the routine post-mission check up from Bruce Steve had been told he had also caught a mild sickness from the mission as well. It's only the common cold - sneezes, coughs, fevers - but the serum in his body amplified everything - from the amount of beats his heart did in a minute to the tolerance level he has with alcohol - and now he's spread out on his bed, above the covers and wearing as little clothing as he can get away with. The sweat pants are thin, elasticated at the waist and ankles with the strings undone and draped across his thighs. He's built up a light sweat making his skin glisten and his hair stick to his forehead. 

If Steve moves he usually whimpers in pain and falls back into the prior position, and even keeping his eyes closed hurts. He's stayed with his legs hanging halfway off the bed, one arm slung over his abdomen and the other outstretched over Bucky's side of the bed for the past hour and a half simply because this position only causes a dull throb to spread through his body. 

Which is how Bucky found him when he got back from training. Steve cracked an eye open when the door clicked shut behind Bucky, but made no effort to form a sentence through his lips as Bucky dropped his duffel bag on his desk, kicked off his shoes, brought his tee shirt over his head and sat beside Steve with his back against the headboard. 

"How you feeling Stevie?" Bucky brushed golden hair from Steve's forehead and planted a gentle kiss to the skin there.

Steve grunted in response, instantly twisting his face up in pain because that was  _bad_ idea. "Hurts Buck." He whined quietly. 

"How bad?" Bucky readjusted himself so he was leaning against his right elbow and looking down at Steve tentatively, "On a scale of the Winchesters to Sherlock fans waiting for Season 4?"

Steve thought for a moment, "Not quite Dean, but kind of like Sam. You know, in between." 

"That's pretty bad, considering it's Tuesday today as well." Bucky grinned. 

"Bruce finished all the pie too." Steve shifted his head slightly to rest it against Bucky's arm; biting back the hiss threatening to come out when he lifted his arm up at the same time to intwine his and Bucky's fingers today. The slick, cold metal of Bucky's hand was soothing against Steve's too-warm skin and he sighed before resting Bucky's hand on his forehead and dropping his own back to his leg. 

"Stevie?"

"Ice pack." Steve muttered, toying at the strings of Bucky's sweat pants. "Don't move it, please."

"Rogers that's my  _hand_."

"Ice pack."

Bucky moved his hand back to his side. "My. Hand."

Steve put it back on his forehead. "Ice. Pack." He mocked.

"I hate you."

"You love me."

"Highly debatable."

Steve tilted his head up, ignoring the throb of pain in the back of his neck. "No it's not, you're completely in love with me. Don't deny it Barnes."

Bucky looked down at Steve and, with a small smile on his face, shook his head before ducking down to kiss Steve's mouth. "I'm not admitting anything."

"Bastard."

"Jerk."

"Punk."


	16. Stark Doesn't Like to be Handed Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's mission solo had worried the entire team, so Maria Hill gave them four days off before getting back into training. Their last night of freedom finds them at Central Park watching the 4th of July fireworks and celebrating Steve's birthday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short but I feel as if I've been neglecting this story in favour of my other one...

_"The trouble is, you think you have time." ~Buddha_

 

Steve's solo mission had reduced the Captain to lay in bed for three days straight whilst everyone around him tried to keeps running without his help. Bucky hadn't realised just how powerful Steve was, nor the effect he had on the team. It was only three days but without him the team was a fucking mess. Fury nearly killed each of them ten different times, and if it weren't for Pepper Tony would have most definitely broken Cuba. When Steve could stand on his own two feet and not have to rely on Bucky being at his side constantly in case he collapses, Maria Hill gave them all four days to lay back and get Steve prepared for training again. 

The first three days consisted of nothing but takeouts, movie marathons and the occasional conversation or two. Tony had added in a theatre floor when the Tower was first built but it hadn't been finished when everyone moved in. It sat on the second to highest floor, so the actual room wasn't that big but everyone had their own seats that could fit three people on there at the same time, plus more room, and the team didn't move an inch - especially not when Clint found out that Jarvis just sends some paper boys up with their take out (no one was really surprised when Tony mentioned he had people reading his  _mail_ for him and then deciding which ones he'll read via his tablet). 

But the July 3rd had them peeling themselves from their respective couches, spending an hour or so getting ready and then racing to Central Park.

***

Bucky sat on a small brick wall, no higher than his ankle, where the grass of Central park started and spread out. Steve had balled up his jacket, shoved it onto Bucky's lap and then slid between his legs, arms draped over Bucky's thighs and the nape of his neck resting on the red material of his coat. Bucky had in return sank one hand of fingers into corn silk hair whilst the other travelled down and came to rest on Steve's chest. The rest of the team were scattered around them; Clint and Nat tangled together and propped up by Bucky's side, Sam half-lying in Steve's lap and half-lying in Rhodes', Tony stretched out by their feet, Rhodes and Banner on a blanket. Thor had taken off to Asgard, and the twins were over at The Playground helping Coulson's team get back together after the whole Hive incident. 

No one came over and tried to talk to them although they knew people recognised them because of the double-takes and the not so discreet picture takings. A few kids had come up to Bucky from behind though, openly excited about his metal arm and one kid had even asked if he could sign his name on it which resulted in all the kids who came over to write their names on metal slates. Any month in New York doesn't tend to get super hot, but tonight was a sticky kind of humid so Bucky had simply put on a tank top and jeans, leaving his metal arm and even some of the scars on show. 

Steve slipped his hand into metal fingers and held tightly on, rubbing his thumb over the knuckles. Tony had modified the arm in pieces, and the latest bit had been added in just seven days before. This 'update' as Tony called it meant that Bucky could now feel with the metal arm. Despite being under HYDRA's influence for the past seven decades Bucky knows he hasn't felt anything with his left arm since the war, and the last thing he felt was cold metal tearing from a train wall and then all feeling was ripped away from him; literally. So when the operation was done and he woke up, seeing Steve beside him, Bucky reached over and grabbed onto his hand. It had been an abrupt move and Steve nearly fell from his chair but the pure look of excitement etched on Bucky's face made Steve want to cry, and when he whispered in a hushed tone, " _I can feel you again Stevie"_ as if Bucky wasn't believing it, well Steve just fell in love all over again. 

The feeling of  _feeling_ is still new to Bucky, as well as the shivers running through his metal arm when Steve rubbed his thumb over Bucky's own. Bucky dropped his chin to Steve's shoulder and smiled against his cheek. "I love you Steve."

"Mhm?" Steve hummed, turning his head to Bucky. His smile matched Bucky's; warm, wide and nothing but love. "I love you too Bucky."

The rest of the team was tuned out, but they heard the first bang of a firework signalling July 4th (this year New York had decided to do the fireworks the second July 4th started, rather than the night of July 4th). 

"Happy Birthday." Bucky whispered against red lips. He got his bottom lip tugged at in response and a soft groan.

"So far it's enjoyable." Steve grinned, pulling back. "I love you." He repeated, just in case.

Bucky just smiled, pulled him closer and turned his face upwards to the fireworks. "I love you too Steve, always will."

 


	17. The One Where Everything Turned Out Alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end for this 'book' but the series is still to be completed... so don't worry

_"Promise me one thing, that you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man." ~Doctor Erskine  
_

 

Steve and Bucky ended up moving back to Brooklyn a couple days after the country celebrated the three year anniversary of the two becoming the world's biggest symbol of same-sex relationships. In the three years they lived in the tower for they had had dozens of fights, some even got as bad as one of them staying well clear of the other one until neither could take the separation anymore. 

Now, a year and a half after moving in together by themselves, they seemed to be even better together than they were in the Tower. Steve's sat up with his back against the headboard of their bed, Bucky's head on his chest and his metal arm on his abdomen. Steve has his fingers massaging Bucky's scalp as the older man hums contently in his sleep, but doesn't stir. 

It's simple nights like this when Steve can't sleep that he thinks back to when he was in boot camp, still small and still crippled with medical issues so intense the wind could have knocked him over. He remembers the night before the procedure vividly; Doctor Erskine coming in with drinks that he never got and making him promise that he wouldn't change who he was, no matter what happens. Steve likes to think he didn't change, but he knows he has. 

He's still not a perfect soldier - he makes mistakes out on field and he risks too much sometimes or too little other times, and when Bucky gets hurts Steve gets dangerous - but he knows that he's still a good man. He's still got the mindset of the little guy from the 40's who didn't like bullies and just wanted to fight in the war to serve his country. He still has the mindset of the ignorant man who didn't go into the recruitment office thinking he was going to be Captain America and he still has the mindset of the man who would stop at nothing to make sure Bucky's okay. 

He's done a good job at keeping that promise; the promise that no one knows about except himself now.

Bucky stirred, turning in Steve's arms to nestle his nose in the crook of Steve's neck and planting a kiss there sweetly before humming again. "Stevie?"

Steve rubbed down his bare, muscular back and kissed under Bucky's ear. "I'm here Buck."

Somehow their hands ended up entwined on Bucky's chest between them, Bucky's lips scraping over Steve's collarbone every time he breathed and one of Steve's legs lodged between both of Bucky's.

"Love you Steve." Bucky whispered, half asleep but a smile spreading across his face nonetheless when Steve pulled away, kissed his mouth and whispered it back.

"We're good right?" He asked, opening his eyes to look at Steve who had been smiling down at Bucky the entire time. "I mean, we've wanted a happy ending since forever... do you think we've got that now?"

Steve nodded, tracing Bucky's sharp jawline with his index finger. "Yeah Buck," He grinned. "I'd say we've got there now."

Bucky lunged upwards and kissed Steve hard, cupping his neck in his hands and pulling Steve down when the position got too uncomfortable. Steve happily let himself submit to the kiss, ducking his head down with Bucky's until they pulled apart with a gasp for air.

When the small rays of sunlight began to pour into the room, Bucky pressed himself closer to Steve's back and tucked blonde hair under his chin - trying to block Steve's eyes from the sun by winding one arm over Steve's neck and filing fingers into his own hair. 

They've been wanting a happy ending since forever, and it seems to be they finally have one...


End file.
